Helping out on the resolution front

General Gayety

by Leslie Robinson  Contributing Writer  lesarobinson@gmail.com
Published: January 7, 2012 in General Gayety

I’ve taken the liberty of composing New Year’s resolutions for individuals who are just too busy to do it themselves.

Newt Gingrich:

1. Lose weight.

2. Win the Republican nomination.

3. Win the presidential election.

4. Gloat.

Mitt Romney:

1. Win the Republican nomination.

2. Win the presidential election.

3. Sentence Newt Gingrich to Devil’s Island.

Herman Cain:

1. Land a gig on Fox.

2. See a marriage counselor with Gloria.

3. Find a new piece of chicken on the side.

Rick Santorum:

1. Lose the Republican nomination.

2. Sulk.

Michele Bachmann:

1. Win the Republican nomination.

2. If that fails, angle for the vice-presidential nomination.

3. Confront Marcus once and for all.

4. Introduce legislation removing all gay people to Key West — at least Marcus will be warm.

Marcus Bachmann:

1. Reconcile my faith, my orientation and my choices.

2. Not.

Rick Perry:

1. Burn the jacket I wore in the antigay video.

2. Remain firmly ignorant about everything.

Ron Paul:

1. Lose the Republican nomination.

2. Declare Houston a new libertarian nation.

3. Deny foreign aid to Dallas.

Jon Huntsman:

1. Come from behind, way behind, and win the Republican nomination.

2. Failing that, accept a cabinet post — in the Obama administration.

Fred Karger:

1. Be denied entry to the Republican National Convention.

2. Lose the Republican nomination.

3. Start planning for 2016.

Sarah Palin:

1. Get Todd his own reality show on snowmobile racing.

2. Win the Arizona Senate seat.

3. See Russia from Scottsdale.

Donald Trump:

1. Convince the world I’m the most important person in it.

Barack Obama:

1. Recapture the White House.

2. Work on my place in history.

3. Resume smoking, no matter what Michelle says.

Michelle Obama:

1. Campaign like crazy.

2. Urge America to support Iraq veterans.

3. Rotate my crops.

Bo Obama:

1. Locate an irreplaceable White House antique and eat it.

John Boehner:

1. Do my part to get a Republican in the White House.

2. Perfect my tan so Sports Illustrated has to ask me to model in the swimsuit issue.

Barney Frank:

1. Serve effectively in Congress until my final term in finished.

2. Try not to laugh when people suggest I lead the HRC.

Tammy Baldwin:

1. Win Wisconsin’s tough Senate race.

2. Publicly downplay that I’m the first openly gay U.S. Senator.

3. Privately tingle all over.

Angela Merkel:

1. Save the European Union.

2. Vacation anywhere but Greece.

Pope Benedict XVI:

1. Continue leading the Church backwards.

2. Convince God I’m too valuable to be

called home.

Grethe Cammermeyer:

1. Make sure certain persons know I’m available to serve on the Joint Chiefs.

Steve Jobs:

1. Reveal to the world that my consciousness now resides in Apple’s latest product, the iMback.

Kim Kardashian:

1. Become a spokesperson for gay marriage rights, even if they don’t want me.

Chaz Bono:

1. Appear on several reality shows.

2. Question reality.

Tinky Winky:

1. Haunt Rick Perry by being Photoshopped in with him as often as possible.

Jerry Sandusky:

1. Go down fighting.

2. Go down lying.

Ian McKellen:

1. As “The Hobbit” is edited, check to make sure I’m not being upstaged by Bofur, Bifur and Bombur.

Jane Lynch:

1. Write another book.

2. Host more awards shows.

3. Star in “Glee” and appear in other shows.

4. Continue doing ads.

5. Throw in a movie.

6. Avoid a nervous breakdown.

info: lesarobinson@gmail.com . generalgayety.com