Leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when…

Tell Trinity

by Trinity  Contributing Writer  trinity@telltrinity.com
Published: July 19, 2013 in Tell Trinity

Hello Trinity,
My woman and I broke up. It got so sour that we ended up in court. Now, she’s dissing my name all over town. How do I stay where I am ‘til all the gossip stops?
Broken Hearted, Provincetown, MA

Hello Broken Hearted,
First, let’s start by practicing forgiveness. Forgiveness is key to everything. Second, let’s start practicing good self-esteem. Loving yourself makes everything secondary. And, lastly, let’s start practicing vacationing. When my name goes bad all over town, I take a vacation until the gossip dies down. Disappearing is also very popular in Hollywood and D.C. Remember, darling, time heals everything!

To Trinity,
A few years back, you used to always mention Bill Goldberg of the WCW (World Championship Wrestling). I finally had a look at him. He’s a great looking man, but I don’t see a halo around him. Don’t you think you were obsessing? Don’t you think you should leave him alone? He’s already in a relationship.
Practical, Dallas, TX

tt_384_071913To Practical,
I’m sorry you couldn’t see the halo. Maybe you need glasses. I see the halo every time I look at his big, muscular… And, yes, I know he’s involved. I have my lawyers working on it as we speak. Please, let me, the world around you and yourself have unreachable dreams. Maybe he’s not monogamous. Not everyone is. Now, pumpkin, sing along with me, “Goin’ to the chapel and I’m gonna get ma-a-a-ried. Goin’ to the chapel of love.” Impractically yours. (I just swoon when I think of this hunky man. Gander at my cartoon to see when.)

Dear Trinity,
I’m an adult, professional, masculine and gay. Wearing fine lingerie, silk, satin, nylon and lace are a great turn on for me. I wear lacy panties under my business suits and Levi’s. I’m not a drag queen, TV or TS. Are there any groups or societies of men who think as I do? No TS, DQ or TV clubs.
Masculine Panties, Minneapolis, MN

Dear Masculine Panties,
The internet is full of groups that will fit your needs. This feeling or fetish crosses all straight, bisexual and gay lines. So, if you like the sensual feeling of lingerie, the soft, sliding essence of silk or the lusty designs of lace, then enjoy it for what it is. Because, it’s your God-given gift to express your femininity. So, you go, honey, and be proud!

Dearest Trinity,
A while back, you did a top 10 tips on how to scan someone’s home to tell if they’re not gay. I thought it was great but what about how to tell if they are gay?
Clueless, Atlanta, GA

Dearest Gay Clueless,
Sorry, I didn’t mean to leave anyone out. This is something everyone should know. So, baby, here are:

Trinity’s Undercover Tips For Telling If Someone Is Gay By Searching For Clues In Their Home
1. Living room— no oversized pool table, flashing beer signs or wall-to-wall wood paneling. Gay!
2. Kitchen— no rusty Teflon pots, generic saltine crackers or dead floral arrangements. Gay!
3. Bedroom— no unmatched (period) furniture, stained bedspreads or Rockwell knockoff’s. Gay!
4. Bathroom — no towels with an odor, toilet seats with a crack or tacky wall murals. Gay!
5. Video Collection — no “Baseball’s Greatest Hits,” “Habits of an Orangutan” or “Biography presents Dr. Laura Schlesinger.” Gay!
6. Wall Decor — Erte, Herb Ritts or anything Marilyn Monroe. Gay. (Thank God!)
7. The bar — does not have Stouts or Pilsners, but does have the finest of Vodkas. Gay!
8. Answering machine — uses phrases like: “Whatever your pleasure. Life cannot be measured. But, let’s first see the treasures!” Definitely gay!
9. Cutlery drawer — the finest of cutlery, from the most renowned designers, with a separate drawer for matching cloth napkins. Gay!
10. Lastly — no signs of anything with John Wayne mounted on a horse, singing a county version of the “Republican National Anthem.” Then, absolutely gay! : :

info: With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org. Learn more at telltrinity.com.