am very excited about the June 30 launch of LOGO, the MTV-sponsored all-gay
cable network that will initially be available in 10 million homes. For
the first time, a corporate giant, Viacom, has put the money and muscle
into making a gay cable channel work.
This is also a big risk for the GLBT community. If the network tanks, other
corporations will be afraid to invest money into gay programming. Therefore,
I propose that LOGO play it safe and initially stick to mimicking successful
mainstream television shows, but with a lavender twist. Here are10 shows
that would be a safe bet to succeed:
“The White Party CSI”
Forensics experts investigate and track down an evil drug dealer who sold
a lethal combination of poppers and Viagra at a Miami circuit party.
“Metro Guy For the Queer Pig Sty”
This show is dedicated to all the beer guzzling, plaid-shirt wearing, fat,
pale gay men who think Universal Gear is a shop that fixes tractors. In
this stereotype-breaking show, a gang of five straight Metrosexuals enters
a Bear’s house and teaches him how to properly shine his leather
thong and trim his back hair.
In this highly anticipated show, 10 “ex-gays” will be airlifted
and placed on an island stocked with sex addicted A&F Models. Each
time an ex-gay breaks down and sodomizes, he is booted off the island.
This show should have extraordinary ratings, but there is a reasonable
fear that none of the ex-gays will make it to the second episode.
“The Practicing Homosexual”
A knock-off of “The Practice”, this follows the legal travails
of closeted Spokane Mayor Jim West and closeted right wing talk show host
Armstrong Williams, as they try to fend off allegations of gay sexual harassment
Scratch this idea. After Clay Aiken, there is no way LOGO can make this
show any gayer.
“Larry Kramer Live”
This is the perfect antidote for those tired of Larry King’s passive
questioning style. ACT-UP founder Larry Kramer will always get the most
out of his guests with his probing questions. Here is an excerpt from the
pilot: “Answer the question, asshole!! You’re Killing Us!!!
KILLING US!!!! One more word and I’ll have 50 ugly, bald queens in
combat boots picketing on the Goddamned manicured lawn of your insipid
suburban Connecticut shit hole of a house.”
“The Fake World”
Five young, hot men share a brownstone in Chelsea and talk about botox,
boys and Britney Spears. Watch them prattle about Tina and Connie, while
admiring how steroids have ballooned their calves!
A host of aspiring young drag queens perform in a cutthroat competition
to win over a powerful Drag Momma. When a contestant loses, Drag Momma
snaps her fingers, rips off the losers wig, and says, “Miss Thang,
you are so fired.”
“The West Hollywood Hillbillies”
In this show, a gay hillbilly wins big in a drunken night of riverboat
gambling and moves to West Hollywood in a doomed effort to make the A-List.
“Out That Cartoon”
This is a spin-off of ’70s hit, “Name That Tune”. In
this show, Jerry Falwell, James Dobson and other religious right figures
get a quick glimpse of various cartoon characters and have t10 seconds
to decide if the animated figures are homosexual.
We can only hope that LOGO takes my sage advice and incorporates these
themes into their programming. With such safe and milquetoast shows, how
could they go wrong?