Michael Marcavage, who heads up the evangelistic organization Repent America, declared that Katrina was God’s way of crashing, or crushing, a party. The Lord had had it up to here with Southern Decadence, the huge gay and lesbian festival held in New Orleans every Labor Day weekend, so He went biblical on the Gulf Coast.

“Although the loss of lives is deeply saddening, this act of God destroyed a wicked city … that had its doors wide open to the public celebration of sin,” said Marcavage.

In a press release, Repent America also cited abortion, Mardi Gras and the city’s murder rate as further reasons New Orleans rubbed God the wrong way, but the clear emphasis was on the sin of homosexuality and God’s Swiss-watch timing in hitting the city just before the homos were scheduled to.

But if I go along with this notion that Katrina was the fault of we gays, what of the equally compelling case put forth by anti-abortion activist Steve Lefemine? He peered at a color satellite map of the hurricane and discerned the image of an 8-week-old fetus. “In my belief, God judged New Orleans for the sin of shedding innocent blood through abortion,” he said.

Okay, but what of the innocent blood that God spilled via Katrina? He’s angry about innocents dying so He kills more? Boy, the blame game is tougher than it seems. I bet that’s someone’s fault, too.

The roundup of explanations I read in The Seattle Times included a third option. Kuwaiti official Muhammad Yousef Mlaifi wrote in an Arabic newspaper, “It is almost certain that this is a wind of torment and evil that Allah has sent to this American empire.” The headline for his piece hammered home the point: “The Terrorist Katrina is One of the Soldiers of Allah…”

Well. Some might read the explanations of these three fellas and say so many options, so few brain cells. Not I. My trouble is I have more, yes more, hypotheses for why Katrina happened.

While the hurricane was in full bloom, I happened to read that the mainly gay Metropolitan Community Church of Greater New Orleans had recently been booted out of a building owned by the Catholic Church. The Archdiocese of New Orleans ended the MCC’s lease because it didn’t want to send the wrong message about Catholic teaching.

I thought the Archdiocese might’ve sent the wrong message to God. If He wasn’t enchanted with the New Orleans Archdiocese discriminating in His name, He could certainly have whipped up a weather calamity as a response.

Then I thought He might be irritated with a self-appointed spokesman of His. Rev. Pat Robertson had, after all, recently advocated ditching one of the Ten Commandments, with his suggestion that the U.S. assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Seemed to me like grounds for a real old-time display of wrath.

Then I thought God might actually be on Robertson’s side, and created Hurricane Katrina to push him out of the news. The trouble with that idea is the hurricane also pushed Cindy Sheehan out of the news, and everybody knows if God supports Robertson, He can’t possibly support Sheehan.

What a mess. I’m farther than ever from knowing on whom to pin this horror. Maybe I should contact Robertson or his pal the Rev. Jerry Falwell. Though they’ve been oddly silent so far, they’re experts at laying blame for catastrophes. By not pointing fingers over Hurricane Katrina, these men are shirking their public duty. God’s going to be mad.