I went on vacation expecting to visit old friends, see my brother get married and bake in the sun. I did all that — and watched my partner devour every lobster in three New England states.

I met Elizabeth about five years ago at a mostly gay party. She was a graduate nursing student who looked every inch the straight girl. It took hours along with alcohol for her to confess that she was involved with a woman for the first time in her life.

I’m appalled that I’d never heard of Gad Beck. Not only was he an important figure in LGBT history, he was a hoot. Until his recent death just shy of his 89th birthday, Beck was the last known gay Jewish survivor of the Holocaust.

Some people argue that the best way to handle the ever-present, ever-protesting members of the Westboro Baptist Church is to ignore them.

‘Tis the season of ministerial ravings. The world has heard Pastor Sean Harris urge parents to punch effeminate sons, Pastor Charles Worley advocate putting gays in concentration camps and Pastor Curtis Knapp suggest the government kill gays.

Being the old-fashioned type, I have a newspaper delivered to my door every morning. Being part of modern American society, I rarely have time to read it.

News item: When two Canadian lesbians broke up in 2006 they divided all their assets, but forgot about the 13 tubes of sperm they had stored in a sperm bank. Later one of the women re-partnered and asked to use the leftover sperm, but her ex wanted it destroyed.

I’m Gay Marriage and I’m mad. Those alleged experts over at the Pew Research Center for the People & the Press — and what a stupidly long name that is — conducted a national survey to find out which issues matter most to voters and I’m certain the pollsters were drunk and the respondents were house pets.

I’m not Catholic. Which makes my fascination with the American arm of the Catholic Church a little strange, but it also means I can watch its contortions without fretting over its future.

Have you been paying attention to LGBT news lately? Let’s find out! Choose the right answer to each question.

The Olympic Games are a huge undertaking for any country that hosts them. So many things can go wrong, from terrorist attacks to ticket snafus. Organizers of this summer’s London games are determined not to fail in one particular area: sensitivity.

In the first two months of this year, same-sex marriage news has been as plentiful as wedding guests around an open bar.

The LGBT news in my part of the world has been good lately. Stunningly good. The governor of Washington mastered her qualms, the legislature mustered the votes and soon misters will be marrying misters in the Pacific Northwest.

I’m thinking of starting a new career. With the state of Washington on a path to legalize same-sex marriage, it’s the right time here in the Evergreen State to get into the wedding invitation business. For a modest fee, I plan to offer specialized invitation text, suited just for the couple.

I used to be a travel writer, but these days I’m ignorant about international travel. I don’t even know where gays with money — in this economy, all six of them — go abroad on vacation.

Rick Perry jumped into the Republican presidential race in August and a spate of verbal blunders followed. The Texas governor is on gaffe-ing gas.

I’ve taken the liberty of composing New Year’s resolutions for individuals who are just too busy to do it themselves.

Diplomacy suddenly got a whole lot friendlier. Leaders of nations and leaders of faiths, instead of shaking hands, are kissing each other on the lips.

The National Enquirer claims in a Nov. 14 cover story that Chaz Bono will die within four years due to his gender transition. The corpse-to-be is perturbed. His lawyer sent a cease and desist letter to the tabloid, accusing it of defamation and demanding a printed retraction and apology.