Hello Trinity,
I love one-night stands. But, every time I say, “Wanna get together again?” they say, “Sorry, I’m in a relationship!” What’s up with open
Closed to the “Open,” Boston, MA

Hello Closed,
I agree, we single people have become laboratory rats for the partnered world. Like you, I too find many couples “play openly.” I also hear couples say, “It keeps us together rather than tears us apart.” which makes me want to scream “What-Ever!” So, sweetie, if you’re about to take part in a one-night stand, but want a few more nights, just ask, “Are you partnered, single or a lab technician?”

Hey Trinity,
I read your tips for getting rid of telemarketers. But, really, I can’t just hang up on them like you suggested?
Telemarketing Troubles, Sioux Falls, SD

Hey Troubles,
If truth were told, I don’t always have the heart to hang up on those hard-working warriors of marketing. While I sometimes go numb or just want to jump out a window, you must always stay stern, clear and fast or, honey, come join me on the windowsill! (My cartoon gives you some real pointers on how I handle this challenging dilemma.)

Dearest Trinity,
My boyfriend is great and I don’t want to hurt him, but how do I end my relationship without destroying someone I love?
Happy Endings, Stanford, CT

Dearest Happy Endings,
Saying “No more!” always hurts even the strongest of beasts. So, finding the right time, place and/or right situation is your best solution. Never break up during a fight, the end of a long day or when someone is in crisis. Yes, he will be upset, but time heals everything. And, darling, don’t tell him while shopping in a rifle shop.

Dear Trinity,
Someone I really liked dumped me because “I acted too ditzy and immature for a 34-year-old man.” Why do I have to act my age?
Keeping My Lollipop,
Detroit, MI

Dear Lollipop,
Eventually you have to stop being a little brat and become a responsible, educated, charming man. Being a man means not always quitting relationships or jobs, not always saying what you feel and not always partying when the sun goes down. But, even better, pumpkin, here’s..

Trinity’s Tough Tips For Knowing When You’re a SAD (Still A Ditzy) boy
1. When you spend your last paycheck on Lady Gaga tickets instead of paying your rent, you’re SAD!
2. When the woman you love says, “Baby, lets do something fun tonight.” and you think, “God, I hate my mother!” you’re SAD!
3. When your hairline is receding and your belly is extending, but you still insist on wearing your 80s florescent club wear then you’re really SAD.
4. When your lover says, “You get dinner“ and you think “Happy Meal again, yippy!” you’re definitely SAD.
5. When Monday means, instead of a hot shower, a shave and off to work, you grab a Bloody Mary, two aspirins and begin another chat room adventure — SAD!
6. When Friday means, off to the 21-and-under bar for a key lime shot, instead of off with grown-up friends, then SAD.
7. When you dump your lover of 10 years for a 22-year-old twinkie who is “really cute and sweet and likes my Xbox!,” guess what?
8. When you still spend your free time hanging out in arcades and shopping malls, guess what again?
9. When you withdraw your last two grand and blow it on a RSVP vacation because your credit cards are all maxed out, you’re SAD.
10. Lastly, you know you’re still a ditzy boy if the previous nine tips pissed you off and now you’re going to get stoned just to show Trinity who’s in charge of your life, SAD for sure! : :

— With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity was
host of “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama,
and now performs globally.

info: www.telltrinity.com . Trinity@telltrinity.com
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