Dear Trinity,
After three weeks of dating, my girlfriend wants me to finally “sleepover.” But, I’m afraid it will ruin everything. When is it a good time to finally sleepover?
Sleepover Quandary, Grand Rapids, MI

Dear Sleepover Quandary,
I myself think it’s important to wait a while. There are many benefits, such as anticipation, respect and the joy of knowing you took your time. Plus, making someone yearn for you is very healthy! Then once you do start sleeping over, there’ll be plenty of evenings to make up for all those lost snores, farts and sleepless nights! Did I just say that? So, pumpkin, please wait until it feels right! You have nothing to lose. And, remember, stay away from beans or onions when that night finally comes!

Hey Trinity,
My new boyfriend is giving me troubles for wanting to, “catch a buzz.” Isn’t it natural to want to loosen up after work? And, what are “good or bad drugs” anyway?
Loosening Up, Rehoboth Beach, DE

Hey Loosening Up,
It’s natural and common to want to escape once in a while as long as you have a handle on it. But, if you don’t or too many people tell you that you don’t, then beware! Now, darling, when it comes to good/bad, healthy/unhealthy drugs, I have always been taught that “if it grows out of the ground, then you will “catch” a much healthier “buzz” for your body and soul as opposed to something manufactured in some “chemi-kill” factory.” (I’m sizing it up with sounds of preferred music on being high, as you can see in my cartoon.)

Dearest Trinity,
How do you know when someone you are dating is scamming you?
Scam Jam, Des Moines, IA

Dearest Scam Jam,
You know you are probably being scammed when; a) you really know nothing concrete about someone and what you do know doesn’t all pan out; b) you are “in love” with someone whom your trusted friends call “a thief and a liar;” c) you are suddenly paying someone’s rent, wardrobe, drug habit and/or credit card bills; and, lastly, d) when checks bounce, he or she is always in trouble with inflated excuses or when things start disappearing! Oh, and honey, the remedy for this is: a) call the police; b) change your locks; c) break up with him immediately; and, d) go on a wonderful vacation!

Hello Trinity,
I was recently “eighty-sixed” (kicked out) of a bar for drinking too much. Should I sue them?
Kicking Out, Topeka, KS

Hello Kicking Out,
Before you go crazy finding out your legal rights as a drinker, maybe you should get serious about finding out your limitations as a drunk. That’s why, sweetie, I’ve compiled:

Trinity’s Cocktail Tips For Knowing: “You’re A Drunk When…”
1. You look straight ahead and you see…the sky.
2. You get kicked out of a bar and you don’t know why!
3. You can’t walk, talk or stand straight and you’re sure you’re not high!
4. You think you’re in the bathroom peeing, but you notice cars going by and people yelling at you!
5. You keep laughing at the cop who’s repeating, “Walk a straight line, touch your nose, breathe into the paper bag, lady!”
6. You spit, drool, nod-out and stutter, yet you complain, “I’m fu, fu, fu fine!”
7. You’ve been “shut off” by the bartender, as well as your friends, but you still insist that they are trying to ruin your night!
8. You’re lying on your front lawn watching your partner throw suitcases at you crying, “I can’t take the drinking anymore!”
9. You’re in the back of a taxi listening to the driver yell, “For the last time mister, tell me where you live or I’m dumping you at the police station!”
10. Lastly, you know you’re a drunk when you turn your head side-to-side and all you see is ground, ground and more of the ground! : :

— With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity was host of “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama, and now performs globally.

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