Hello Trinity,
I’ve had the same best friend for eight years. We’ve been through everything together. Now, he’s bothering me about how I treat my partner. He says, “I have to be more understanding and less quick tempered!” How do I get my friend to be less nosey and let me live my life?
Friendship Woes, Detroit, MI

Dear Woes,
How do you get the bank to stop making mistakes in your favor? How do you get your boss to stop giving you raises? How do you stop someone who loves you from making you take a look at yourself? Duh! You don’t have to do what anybody says except of course the IRS, the landlord and maybe your best friend once in a while. But, then again, pumpkin, who needs friends when you can ruin all of your relationships by yourself!

Hey Trinity,
Two years ago I started focusing completely on my dreams of being an artist. But, I work three times as hard as all my friends and never have money to show for it! It seems like the bigger I dream the harder I fall!
Dreaming Hard, Reno, NV

Hey Dreaming,
Following your heart’s desire is awful, depressing and constant work. And, the bigger you get, yes the harder you fall, so remember, sweetie, “Think big, dream bigger and expect to break some nails.” (I’ve broken a few myself as shown in my cartoon.)

Hey Trinity,
I went on a first date with a guy who insisted on beeping his horn instead of coming to my door. I waited till he finally came and got me, which didn’t make him happy. Was I wrong for not wanting to act like a trained dog?
Hornless, Cambridge, MA

Hey Hornless,
You did the right thing by teaching that dog a new trick, i.e., manners. If you can’t get him to greet you at your door the first time, then you’ll probably have to forgo a lot of other amenities later on, like returned phone calls or being treated with respect! It’s rarely OK to beep and not get someone on any date, never mind the first one, unless your date is handicapped. Going to get someone is a rule confined not just for knights and kings, but also for everyone. However, darling, once you’ve been dating for a while the rules can change if you both agree on it, otherwise you may have to bleach that date right out of your hair!

Dearest Trinity,
I’ve been reading about your “liberal” advise on extra marital affairs with men already in relationships! Don’t you think advocating extra marital affairs is despicable and mindless, especially for an internationally syndicated advise columnist?
Self Respect, Raleigh, NC

Dear Self Respect,
You’re right! I’m evil and shameless. I deserve to be placed in the town square for public stoning. I will immediately stop writing about extra marital affairs. I have seen the light behind my demonic ways. (P. S. Shame and guilt went out with the New Age. Thanks, but no thanks, honey, I’ve changed my mind!) So, here are:

Trinity’s Powerful Ponders for Dating Someone Married
1. Keep asking your higher power, “How the hell did you get me into this mess?”
2. Don’t impregnate yourself physically or financially until you see the divorce papers.
3. If you must speak nasty about their spouse? Not in front of them, please!
4. Adults have secrets! Honor their privacy and your own.
5. Cologne or perfume is only worn when dating someone unmarried!
6. Guilt and shame are for religious fanatics. Forgiveness and self-respect are for enlightened realists.
7. Forget fantasizing about the future. There is none!
8. Two’s company, but three can only bring cheaper rent. Hey! I think we’ve got something!
9. Don’t give presents that leave clues. Especially undergarments. Accepting presents is fine.
10. Jewelry, art and leather give great return value, especially the day after they say, “Good-bye.” : :

— With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity was host of “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama, and now performs globally.

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