Being gay is a gift from God

Tell Trinity

Hello Trinity,
Very simply, I’m gay! There it is! I said it. Am I going to Hell!?
Gay, Gainsville, FL

Hello Gay,
Congratulations on saying it. Life’s a bunch of baby steps with some big steps thrown in. Gay people are strategically placed on the earth for very specific reasons, i.e., controlling population, creating beauty, balancing out the over-male domination problem, creating homes to foster children, saving straights from killing each other and much more. Being gay really is a gift from God! As far as going to hell? Seriously! Purgatory and condemnation are biblical marketing tools to keep the masses in fear of the church. You’ll never go to hell for loving or being loved. And, remember, honey, “Homosexuality is found in over 450 animal species. Homophobia is found in only one.”

To Trinity,
What makes you think that you’re equipped to give advise?
Curious, Madison, WI

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To Curious,
Well, I have a Bachelors degree in communication, a hospital chaplaincy certificate and a Masters of Divinity, which means I’ve spent years helping sick people, physically and psychologically. I also spent five years hitchhiking around the country getting into all sorts of adventures. I’ve been a prostitute, been raped and been held at gunpoint by the KKK. I also spent 20 years as a massage therapist massaging everyone from amputated marines to pregnant mothers. Oh, yes, and I put together a 10-piece swing band, produced three albums and toured Europe in drag. Now, I am opening a gay ministry called WIG Ministries.org. Check it out on Facebook. So, darling, I’ve worked very hard getting prepared to give “advise” and, I’ve only just begun. (With so much to do, a girl has to take a respite, so that’s what you’ll see when you read my cartoon.)

Dear Trinity,
I can’t help thinking that something’s wrong with me! Why are some of us cursed with being forever single, while everyone else gets to be in love or married?
Forever Single,
Raleigh, NC

Dear Forever Single,
If you look real closely at people who are in love or married, you’ll notice plenty of troubled moments hidden in between all those public displays of bliss. Being in a relationship truly is not any easier than being without that special someone to hug and hold and kiss and, and…forget what I just said! Single sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, but, being single does give you lots of time to develop yourself. When one equals two it suddenly becomes much harder to develop yourself. The grass is always greener, sweetie, so take this time of being single to work on yourself, cause when love comes a knockin’, the personal time you once dreaded eventually becomes your best friend.

Dearest Trinity,
I really appreciate your way of dealing with questions. You should think about teaching classes or giving lectures. But, my question is, “If you had your own finishing school, what would you teach your students.”
Admirer

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Dearest Admirer,
I’ve given lectures and taught classes, but finishing school, I love the idea. So, pumpkin, here’s:

Trinity’s Fastidious Finishing School Tips From Head To Toe
1. Walk with your head up high, not your nose. Beware of
nose hair.
2. Going for a job interview? Hair up. Going on a first date? Hair down.
3. A splash of cologne is a nice added touch. Smelling like a department store is way too much.
4. Mile for mile, good looks are less important than class, charm and style.
5. Going to buy milk? Dress down. Going on the town? Dress up.
6. A wanton tongue brings home sour fortune cookies.
7. If cleavage is meek, a pushup bra promises much more than a free drink.
8. Obviously it’s all about you, but saving that fact ‘til much later helps make one equal two.
9. Flats are fine when with husband and child, but heels turn heads for miles and miles.
10. If you think that finishing school finishes, then you’re never finished with finishing school. : :

— With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity was host of “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama, and now performs globally.

info: www.telltrinity.com . Trinity@telltrinity.com
Sponsored by: Provincetown Business Guild
800-637-8696 . www.ptown.org

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One Reply to “Being gay is a gift from God”

  1. Trinity,

    You are exactly the kind of writer I’ve been waiting to read–smart, common-sense, funny, compassionate and of course, gay. I definitely like you.

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