Hey Trinity,
My lover of six years who claimed to be gay left me a month ago to marry a woman. I kind of got over him, because he was such a user. But, I miss him. Help!
Perplexed, Albany, NY

Hey Perplexed,
Let me get this gay problem straight. Your gay-user-lover of six years left you for a woman and now you’re perplexed because you’ve been released from a hex, by your ex. Haven’t you read any vampire novels where the blood-sucking vampire surprisingly releases his victim, before killing her? She joyously leaves Transylvania never to see the vampire again. So, darling, unless he took your common sense, as well I suggest you, celebrate your freedom and catch the next boat out of Transylvania. Congratulations!

Dearest Trinity,
I have just begun doing drag and I love it. I have two problems? I don’t know how to perform drag well and I haven’t told my mother. It’s also creating tension between my boyfriend and me. Any suggestions?
A Confused Queen, Kansas City, MO

Dearest Confused Queen,
I have some tips in a cartoon style. Please read it wisely. You know, pumpkin, most drag queens do drag a lot, then get tired of it. Yet, some don’t. So, wait a while before telling her or him. Give it six months or on your 25th night in drag let the MAC out of the bag. (Tips abound in my cartoon. Heed it’s advice if you are game.)

To Trinity,
Once a month my buddies get together and hit the bars to meet potential dates. Throughout the night we hit a preppy hangout, a mixed nightclub and a leather bar. Most of the guys I meet are one of these types. I’m always confused on how to dress?
Joe The Chameleon, Seattle, WA

To Joe The Chameleon,
By the end of these nights you must look like an abused collection of Ken and GI Joe dolls. Hey, that’s it! You need to look like a mix of Ken and GI Joe. So, think: baseball hat or a nice hair or buzz cut, a neck chain and watch is plenty, a butch T-shirt, always a belt, khakis or nice jeans, a pair of high tops or casual shoes. Remember, sweetie, no shiny club clothes, harnesses, oxford shirts or cigars.

Dearest Trinity,
For the first time in years I went to a sex club. I was shocked to see so much prehistoric, pre-AIDS activity doing. How does someone have sex club fun without worrying about receiving any unwanted gifts?
Sex Club Studies, Green Bay, WI

Dearest S.C.S.,
I hear ya, honey! It does seem like everyone’s getting so tired of wearing latex that more and more are willing to deal with the affects of acid rain and protease inhibitors. Unsafe sex is like candy — you know it can make you sick, but you can’t help packin’ in all that deliciousness. For those times when your blood sugar is out of control here are…

Trinity’s Healthy Tips For Attending A Sex Club

1. When you meet the “sex club sex machine” rinse him clean, if you know what I mean.
2. Before letting yourself slut around, have do’s and don’ts to keep you safe and sound.
3. Assume everyone has something to give, that you may not want.
4. Always wash your hands after playing with yourself and/or others.
5. You may not need a course in intercourse, but, of course, you need to understand everything about risk!
6. Sometimes, we have to be rude to a dude who’s forcing an uncomfortable interlude.
7. Always wash your private parts so you’re clean and tidy for your next performing arts.
8. Use instinct and intuition when on any adventurous mission.
9. Sex club is beautiful. Sex club is fun. Sex club is different for everyone.
10. Finally, relax or exercise, even take a steam or a nap, but even more importantly, don’t leave with the clap! : :

— With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity was host of “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama, and now performs globally.

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