Bi the way…we’re not what you think we are

Common misconceptions about bisexuality from a bisexual

So this is a bit of a rant. After reading and hearing random inane comments about bisexuality, I felt the need to clear up some common misconceptions about bisexuals.

We are not all sex fiends out to do everyone and everything.

When many guys think of “bisexual,” the terms “sex” and “threesome” are not far behind. Here’s the thing: just because I have sexual desires toward other women and I may act on them does not, in any way, shape or form, mean I’m an easy slut who’s willing to bed you on the spot.

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Just because I’m bisexual doesn’t mean I’m a “barsexual.”
I’ve seen MTV. I know what goes down at spring break. Hell, I’m in college now, so needless to say, I’m surrounded by females who do this. The problem with these types is that while they are very visible within our society, they really only make up a small percentage of bisexuals. I can’t speak for every bisexual, but I know that many of us are actually embarrassed by a lot of the antics on “Tila Tequila” and can’t stand Katy Perry.

Not all of us are “transitioning.”
I’ve heard that many people believe that bisexuals are actually gay and don’t want to admit it, so they use bisexuality as a way to segue themselves into being homosexual. I’m not doubting that this is true for some, but it’s definitely not the case for every bisexual.

You can be bisexual and not have relationships with members of the same sex.
This one is true, believe it or not. Whether it’s because of celibacy, choice, fear or something else entirely, a person doesn’t have to have a sexual relationship or experience with someone of the same sex in order to be bisexual. It’s about attraction, not action.

It’s not a phase for some of us; it’s an identity.
In high school, I knew of at least four bisexual girls who all now self-identify as straight. On the other hand, for me, I’ve been drawn to females sexually since middle school. All the while I still liked boys. I never recognized it as being bisexual because I was scared, thought I would be labeled a slut and honestly thought I was in that weird adolescent “questioning my sexuality phase” and that I would grow out of it. It’s been eight years since then. If it is a phase, it’s a pretty long one.

I’m with you because I want to be with you and you only.
There’s this idea out there that bisexuals are constantly preoccupied with thoughts of men when they’re with women and vice versa. When I like someone, I like them and only them. The difference with me and other bisexuals is that we don’t care about the gender. If I love someone and that someone loves me, cares for me and wants to be with me despite all my flaws, then why should if matter if they’re male, female, transman, etc? It’s hard enough to find love in this world as it is.

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We’re discriminated against from both sides.
Straight people think we’re promiscuous and flaky. Gays think we’re trying to have the best parts of their lifestyle while holding onto heterosexual privilege in order to avoid discrimination. Oh yeah, and we’re flaky. On top of all that, bisexual men do, in a sense, have it worse than bisexual women. They’re treated like they don’t even exist!

Bottom line: I want to emphasize that I’m not speaking for all bisexuals. With that said, I’m really tired of the stereotypes and views that many people seem to hold against people like me who do like both sexes. I know for a fact that while I’ve become outspoken about my sexuality on the internet, I’ve had a really hard time coming out of the closet in real life and actually joined a LGBT support group on my campus to help me through it all.

I have a tendency to hide my sexuality from males because I know that once I utter those two words, there’s a good chance they’ll see me in a way that I never intended for them to. I’m still trying to figure out how to be honest about this facet of myself without attracting unwanted attention, even though realistically, I know this is unavoidable.

Deep down I know that I’m smart, driven, funny, nice, cute — all of those things and more. I just happen to be attracted to women as well as men and I don’t see why that has to take away from the amazing person that I am.

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6 Replies to “Bi the way…we’re not what you think we are”

  1. I have been lesbian identified for 24 years and have recently started dating a wonderful man. I have to hide this from the lesbian community as there is so much hatred for bisexuals.
    What a shame that people can’t just love who they love with out all of the discrimination from the straight and gay communities.

  2. I definately agree with you that many are not educated or knowledgable in this topic. You made some very remarkable points that should clear up alot of those misconceptions that the public have. In the fight for equality, we need to accept diffrences in others, especially those in the GLBT community. We all know whats it’s like to be looked down on because of our sexuality and therefore should know not to discriminate others based on thier sexual preference.

  3. I think this is a great article; it reflects a lot of my opinions on this subject.

  4. I appreciate this article because I empathize with a lot of points in it: namely that bisexuals are so misunderstood in our society it is mind-boggling. The vast majority of people hear “bisexual” and think “slut” or “threesome” and do not understand that most bisexuals engage in monogamous relationships with people of the same OR the opposite sex, not both at the same time and not promiscuously. I also appreciate that the writer explained that bisexuals are not hard up for men when they are with women and vice versa, that we can be content with just one person, no matter what their gender. I wish the writer all the best in her journey to being out and proud, despite misconceptions and bigotry.

  5. i just want to say that i love your article, and that i only came out as being bi sexual 2 weeks ago, although i have knwn for 6 years and was to scared to admit it, nw that people knw i have cme across straight people sayin some of the most hurtful things, i just want to add tht if there is any 1 out there that is goin through a similar thing then take no notice you are who you are and your special! i have found out who i cn trust and who my real friends are through my experience and i stil am nw, but if you do feel down and things are getting to you, seek advice ideally with friends or family if not there is lots of community groups that you can find on the net to give you the support you need, all the best to everyone.

  6. Maya (we're name twins!) April 5, 2009 at 11:53 pm

    I just wanna say that i found this by googling my/our name (sad, I kno) and was happy to find a maya wagner who’s NOT in Europe or Canada lol. Anyways I’m from the south and really glad you wrote this. Even tho i personally support gay rights, I know alotta people who aren’t really accepting of the LGBQT community let alone the B part. Good luck with coming out and hopefully one day you can get to the point where you’re outspoken IRL and not just on the interweb.

    P.S.- waya wagner’s not a very common name, so I got alotta explaining to do if my mom ever sees this lol

    ^_^

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