Since I started this column, a few regular readers (hush your mouth, they exist!) have asked me when I plan to feature myself. I’m really not one to demand attentio…Hey! Sit down, sister! You’re blocking my spotlight! …Like I was saying, I’m most comfortable behind the scenes, but if this is something my adoring fans want, how can I say no? I’m a people pleaser. Plus, this is column number 13, so maybe the time has come. Okay, fine, I’ll do it. Keep reading, dear reader, while I bare my naked soul.
Do you like candy corn?
I can eat it, but it’s waaay down on the candy list for me — somewhere between wax lips and marshmallow peeps.
What type of underwear do you have on right now?
I’m not wearing any. I always go commando unless there’s a specific reason not to.
If your life was a TV show would it be a sitcom or a drama?
My life is a Mexican telenovela. Where’s that option?
What variety of bug freaks you out the most?
Centipedes! I stayed in a cheap motel once and found one in the bed with me. I’ve hated them ever since.
Are you accomplished at any form of skating?
No. I’ve never even worn a pair of ice skates, so that’s definitely out. I owned a skateboard as a kid and roller blades in my 20s, but was never better than passable with either.
How do these films rank based on the number of times you’ve seen them: “Carrie,” “Misery,” “The Shining,” “Stand By Me”?
I love Stephen King, so I’ve seen them all, probably in this order based on number of viewings: “Stand By Me,” “The Shining,” “Carrie” and then “Misery.”
Have you ever shaved your body?
I’ve never shaved my arms and legs, but I keep my chest and pubic hair shaved all the time. I don’t have much, so it’s pretty easy.
What’s your earliest memory?
I can recall fragments of my third birthday party. I got a red bowling set that had a plastic grapefruit-sized ball and five pins. I have no memories of ever playing with it, however.
Do you know which color family puce is in?
No. I know it’s a color, but have no idea what it looks like.
What is your all-time favorite video game?
It’s probably Galaga, with Donkey Kong as a close second.
Which cartoon boss would you least like to work for: Mr. Slate, Mr. Spacely or Mr. Burns?
The dinosaurs do the real work at the quarry, so Mr. Slate shouldn’t be too hard to please. Mr. Spacely apparently pays his employees to push buttons all day, so that’s not bad either. I guess that leaves Mr. Burns.
How many albums do you own by Michael Jackson, Madonna and Prince, added together?
Collectively, 57 — 6 by Michael Jackson, 14 by Madonna and 37 by my all-time fave Prince.
What household appliance do you own that you’ve never used?
I have a very nice juicer that I’ve never even plugged in. If I pulled it out from the back of the pantry, I might think to use it sometime.
Can you still sing your school song from high school?
Hang on…Yep, still know every word.
What is your favorite song that has a person’s name in the title?
I can think of several great tracks that fit — “Oh Sherrie” and “Sister Christian” among them — but I’ll go with “Darling Nikki.”
Which reality show would you most like to be part of?
“American Ninja Warrior.” The athleticism of the guys who compete on the show is insane. I’d love to get a crack at the course and see how I do.
Do you know how to dip snap?
Growing up, I had a redneck neighbor who did it all the time, so I basically know how it’s done, but I can’t do it.
Ketchup, mustard or mayonnaise?
I don’t like mayo, so it’s out. I love mustard, but don’t eat many things that call for it. On the other hand, I use ketchup all the time, so it wins.
Who is the sexiest “Ryan” of all time?
OMG, how does one choose between Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling? Oh, I know…they can flip me for it!
Have you ever visited a nude beach?
No, but I’ve been to a naked Christmas party. Does that make me a Ho Ho Ho?
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