Lately, I’ve been experiencing an immense amount of self-sexual fulfillment, if you know what I mean. My neighbors are starting to complain about the noise and my friends are concerned. Is it dangerous to my health?
Self-fulfillment, Baltimore, MD
When your therapist said, “Take some personal time for yourself,” she didn’t mean this. If masturbation is the word your beating around the bush about, then no it’s not dangerous, but obsessive acts of any kind can lead you down a dangerous path. If you’re going totally insane, then put everything down and get out of your house. Exercising, dieting and going out with friends will absolutely make you less of a handful. And, lastly, honey, if your neighbors keep complaining, then practice a little self-control while you’re self-fulfilling. Take a day off, unplug the internet and try screaming into a pillow rather than down a hallway.
I never feel comfortable going out anymore. Gay men nowadays are so beautiful and built. I just want to be OK with being regular. What’s someone regular like me to do?
Regular Joe, Topeka, KS
Dear Regular Joe,
The gay male world can be pretentious and frightening. And, why aren’t “Regular Joes” or “Regular Gay Folk” who feel too skinny or fat, too old or young with blemishes and pimples, crossed eyes and four eyes who are uncontrollably introverted, be given better rights. A special committee called UGLI (Underappreciated Gays and Lesbians who are Ignored) should be formed. But, for now, pumpkin, remember, “If you can’t beat ‘em, don’t join ‘em, but rather get in front of ‘em and make it look like a parade!” In other words, you must be better, prouder and more aggressive than your frenemies. Don’t be shy be shinny! (Start marching and create your own parade like I have done as shown in my cartoon.)
I met you at a party last month and you snubbed me off. Are you getting so popular that you’ve acquired airs about yourself?
Yours Dissatisfied, Fort Lauderdale, FL
If I offended you, I apologize, but just for the record I am not the type to snob anyone. Some common mistakes of snobbery include: someone being shy, nearsighted or just simply not noticing someone. Also at parties people get caught up in conversations or are not able to see everyone. Yes, sweetie, being ignored is cruel, but being open-minded to someone not noticing you and giving them another chance makes you better.
I’m not the best with words, especially when I need to approach a stranger. It seems like every pick up line has been used. What do you say to meet someone new?
Speechless, Venice Beach, CA
Usually, just throwing my head back with a smile gets me what I need or lands me in jail. But, once I’ve talked my way out of incarceration, these quick one-liners can make or break the whole night. So, darling, don’t get scared, get wordy, witty and wild with…
Trinity’s Popular Pickup Lines
After you’ve tried:
1. Hello, my name is…and I just wanted to say hello.
2. Are you from around here? Do you have a light? Or, is someone sitting here?
3. You look awfully familiar. I’m…
4. Didn’t we meet at a party not to long ago?
Then try these:
5. Pardon me, but don’t we share custody of a child in Pakistan?
6. Your eyes, they’re like deep magnets. Are they yours?
7. Excuse me, but didn’t we share a romantic evening in Rome just recently?
8. I may look like a tough girl, but I’m really just a nice guy.
9. Hey, didn’t you and I share a prison cell together.
Lastly, this one never fails:
10. Hello, I was told by my psychic that we were supposed to meet tonight.
Go get ‘em! : :
info: With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking” a weekly radio drama performed globally and is now minister of WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org. Learn more at telltrinity.com.