Making haste out of hate

Tell Trinity

Hello Trinity,
I hate my waiter job, but I make too much money. I hate my apartment, but my rent’s too cheap and I hate my boyfriend, but I can’t leave him for many reasons. As a “man on the verge of a nervous breakdown,” is there anything I can do to at least find happiness in unhappiness?
Full of Hate, Provincetown, MA

Hello Full of Hate,
Feeling trapped is awful, but changing all that can be a wonderful adventure. First and foremost, take a vacation and clear your mind. Second, do things that you like, i.e., exercise, sleep, take a cooking or singing class. Third, pray or meditate for change, to see the good. All bad has some good. Lastly, when Dorothy Campbell was trying to get out of Oz and back to Kansas, she stumbled upon Glinda who said, “You’ve always had the power to leave (or change your situation). You just didn’t know how to do it!” And, to you, pumpkin, I say the same thing! Learn how to change your situation.

Dearest Trinity,
After three years of living with the same guy, he suddenly announced to me that he wants to try new things to enhance our relationship. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but he wants to tie me up. Is he crazy or am I just old fashioned?
Untie Me, Baltimore MD

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Dearest Untie Me,
Yes, he’s crazy and, yes, you’re old fashioned, but that shouldn’t stop you. If it was my boyfriend and he wanted to tie me up in a safe, romantic atmosphere and we had a safe word (a word that stops everything) like, “Jerusalem,” then I say yes, why not! If we can try the wheel and the computer chip, then why not try this! Honey, do everything once or twice or at least for a whole night. In the words of Leo Buscaglia, author of the book “LOVE,” “Live, live, live for God sakes (don’t be right but), live!” (My cartoon shows you how I”tie” this one up. Did I really say that?)

To Madam Trinity,
Is it wrong to marry for money?
Money Worries, Des Moines, IA

To Money Worries,
Is it wrong to want to be comfortable and worry free and have anything you want? Of course not, but is it wrong to make believe you love someone even though you can’t stand them? Of course, it is! The only way you should marry for money is if you like the jerk. You have to, at least, like him and see a positive future. Love comes and goes with time, but diamonds are forever. People marry for crazier things like getting pregnant, becoming a TV celebrity or making their parents happy. So, darling, don’t end up looking for perfection when your future is at stake.

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Dear Trinity,
I’ll be throwing my very first party as someone who is newly single. Any ideas?
Single, Austin, TX

Dear Single,
I guess your other half used to do the party throwing. So, since it’s you and me, baby, here are:

Trinity’s Uptown Tips For Hosting A Party

1. I know it’s your house, but put the sex books and toys away!
2. Serve yourself is fine, but cook for yourself is unacceptable!
3. A party without background music is like a funeral with a punk band!
4. If dinner’s late, appetizers and drinks are mandatory!
5. Having to use a dirty bathroom as a guest is like having to use a rectal thermometer as a stirrer.
6. Potluck hosts should never expect the guests to bring the main course or drinks.
7. “Does this cigarette bother you,” always means yes! All smokers, including you —outside!
8. Women or anyone in high heel shoes always get invited to sit first!
9. A drunk and sloppy host promises an unforgettable finale to your party-hosting career!
10. And, lastly, lock the humping dog(s) in the bedroom, please! : :

info: With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org. Learn more at telltrinity.com.

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