How wrong are extra-marital affairs?

Tell Trinity

Hello Trinity,
The extra-marital affair I am having is starting to bring about many more problems than I could have ever imagined. I am not trying to hurt anyone. I am just trying to take care of my needs. What can I do now?
Extra Troubles, Buffalo, N.Y.

Hello Extra Troubles,
Sometimes we find ourselves in circumstances that we know we should not be in, but we’re in them. You know this. You also know that extra-marital affairs are wrong, period. You will have to pay the consequences sooner or later to a higher or lower court. But, sweetie, before you get any deeper, stop, apologize for your misdoings and hope that everyone forgives you, including yourself. However, if you find yourself in real trouble, a change of hair color and address has always worked for me.

Dear Trinity,
Growing up my parents never allowed me to have much of a wardrobe like my friends. Now, as an adult, I have acquired a great love for shoes. I have hundreds of pairs. But, for the first time in my life, I am going from living alone to living with a lover who’s asked me to downsize my shoe collection. Help?
Shoe Shocked, Winston-Salem, N.C.

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Dear Shoe Shocked,
One of the joys of becoming an adult is that you can say yes to all the things your parents said no to. However, if you don’t stop saying yes, “over compensation” starts ruining your life. So, honey, sell or give away some of your Amelda Marco shoe collection and start Shoes Anonymous meetings immediately. (See the cartoon for how to begin this process.)

Dear Trinity,
For a few weeks now I’ve been dating an extremely attractive woman. Everything is great except everyone is always looking at her. I am not as much jealous as I am uncomfortable.
Too Beautiful, Portland, Ore.

Dear Too Beautiful,
From the beginning of time, since Cleopatra’s reign and Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships, beautiful women have demanded the attention of the world. Now, before you launch a thousand problems, talk about it with her, keep practicing getting comfortable with it and, lastly, pay less attention to what’s going on around you and more attention to her. Jealousy is something we all need to deal with as well as patience. Pumpkin, you can always ask her to dress less seductively, but that’s like asking Mona Lisa to stop smiling.

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Hello Trinity,
I have always loved your advice on first dates. Are there any important questions that you think one should ask a first date?
First Questions, Topeka, Kan.

Hello First Questions,
Do I have a list of first date questions? Does Elizabeth Taylor have diamonds? Darling, here are:

Trinity’s Very Important Questions To Ask A First Date
(Note: Everything in parenthesis is implied not said!)
1. What do you expect from a relationship? (How much hell are you going to put me through?)
2. Have you been in a relationship before and what happened? (Are you a serial killer?)
3. What are your career goals? (I hope you don’t expect me to take care of you.)
4. What do you think about marriage? (Are you a no good, cheating infidel?)
5. How would you describe yourself? (Are you egotistical, stubborn, neurotic or selfish?)
6. Where did you go to college? (You did go to college, right?)
7. What do you think about safe sex? (Are you going to give me every disease known to humankind?)
8. Do you get along with your family and coworkers? (Again, are you a serial killer?)
9. Do you have an IRA, 401K or a home mortgage? (Am I going to have to work the rest of my life?)
10. Lastly, what do you think about politics and religion? (Are you going to knock me up and leave me in the name of God?)

— With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity was host of “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama, and now performs globally.
info: www.telltrinity.com . Trinity@telltrinity.com

Tell Trinity, 1617 Rue Champlain, Montreal, QC H2L2S5
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