Dearest Trinity,
I’ve been going after this guy for over a year now. Even though he’s friendly and sweet, he still won’t date me. I know I’m not his type, but how can I get him to fall for me?
Dream Chaser, Seattle, WA

Dearest Dream Chaser,
If there ain’t no lovin’ under the stars, then this affair is from Mars. If he’s not callin’ or writin’ anymore, then he ain’t worth fightin’ for. And, if he ain’t got dinner for two, then tell this man, “Baby, I’m through with you.” ‘Cause girl, life is too short to play a losing sport. This Romeo is making your life a yo-yo! So, sweetie, start movin on, ‘cause this drama is makin’ me yawn!

Dear Trinity,
You talk about religion and spirituality. I’m confused. Do you believe in God?
Searching, Peoria, IL

tt_382_062113Dear Searching,
You mean, do I believe in a higher consciousness that would obviously look like Patti Labelle or a big black woman who can belt out a tune? Would this God be forgiving, giving and accepting, granting all wishes just for the asking, judging no one and creating outrageous, over-the-top human beings to lead people into the light, singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow?” Honey, I believe I do! (My cartoon shows you how I “sing” my take on the Gospel and faith.)

Hello Trinity,
I’m a very shy gay man and being shy gets in the way of meeting people. Help!
Shy, Oklahoma City, OK

Hello Shy,
First, start by going out in a costume or some form of drag, i.e., leather, military or police officer. Hiding behind a uniform works wonders, not suggesting that all uniformed gay men are shy! Second, start approaching easy prey like people you’re not intimidated by. Third, when you’re out socially, have a drink of alcohol, it helps! And, lastly, there’s a shyness drug called Paxtin. Ask your doctor. It’s a drug, so be careful. Shyness never completely goes away, but, pumpkin, taking control of your life is definitely a great feeling!

Hey Trinity,
I was dating this woman for two months when she suddenly stopped being interested. I’ve called and sent gifts, but nothing. Now she says, “She’s being stalked by me and if it doesn’t stop, she’ll call the police.” What should I do?
Would Be Stalker, Harrisburg, PA

Hey Would Be Stalker,
When someone says, “You’re stalking me,” a huge siren should go off in your head, before a police siren goes off in your front yard. Whatever she feels is the way she feels. So, darling, stop right now and let her go! And, if you’re confused, heres:

Trinity’s Suggestive Tips For Knowing If You’re Obsessing
1. Even though months have passed since he dumped you, you still park outside his apartment, late at night, waiting to see him.
2. You turn down yet another dinner invitation just to spend your only night off on Facebook reading his posts.
3. Because of your religious devotion for him, your friends, relatives and ex-lovers have all disowned you, but you still feel very loved.
4. You constantly badger her friends with questions as to her well-being, her where-abouts and her favorite places to go!
5. After she got a restraining order, you still spend lunch breaks sitting 501 feet near her office and you don’t even get lunch breaks.
6. Excessive/compulsive patronizing supermarkets, restaurants, gas stations and any place she may suddenly appear.
7. You hire a detective to find out all of his addresses, phone numbers and favorite hangouts.
8. You live 10 minutes from work, but take 50 minutes to get there because she lives 20 minutes in the other direction.
9. You’ve built an altar to him, complete with pictures and an old hairbrush stolen from his garbage.
10. Lastly, you’ve given up a high paying job just to take a minimum wage job because it’s nearer to her.

info: With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org. Learn more at telltrinity.com.