At least acknowledge me

Tell Trinity

Dear Trinity,
After seeing your wonderful performance in Wilton Manors, Fla., a few months back, I went backstage to see you. You greeted everyone but me. Why didn’t you acknowledge me?
Ex-Fan, Saint Paul, MN

Dear Ex-Fan,
Why didn’t you just say, “Excuse me! I love you!” I might have married you on the spot! I always travel with a rabbi! I’m truly sorry. It’s common not to know how to get the attention of someone. It happens to me every time I see Bill Goldberg, a former WCW champion. After I finally get near him, I get so tongue-tied that he thinks I’m some neurotic stalker and runs away grunting. I end up hating him and myself until my next Drama Therapy Forgiveness Workshop. Sometimes, honey, in life we must just step up to the plate.

Dearest Trinity,
I rented a room from a close friend and promised to pay the rent by a certain time. Recently, I had to ask him to let me slide for a while because I unexpectedly changed jobs and got a new Jeep. He freaked out on me. How do I get him to let me slide?
Renter’s Woes, Santa Fe, NM

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tt_383_070513Dearest Renter’s Woes,
Do you mean that he won’t let his close friend slither his way out of paying the rent? I have one word for you, integrity, when your word is better than a binding contract, better than the word of God. If I was you, I would, a) take a cash advance from my job or credit card, b) start sleeping in my new Jeep or c) find some other friends, cause, sweetie, in my book, money and friendship requires one thing, integrity! (Either you be a good steward of your agreement or you don’t. My cartoon shows you how I feel about the situation.)

Hello Trinity,
Recently, my girlfriend announced that she wants to “practice celibacy.” I’m now thinking of letting her move in, even if it means separate bedrooms. Do you think this could work?
Separate Bedroom Love, Madison, WI

Hello Separate Bedroom Love,
Celibacy, the life of monks, priests, eunuchs and many drag queens, has been practiced for millenniums. But, pumpkin, I smell trouble outside the church walls and you’re part of it! If you really want this to work, then send her off to a Celibacy Summer Camp and when she returns, if you’re still not living in a healthy, passionate, sexually fulfilling relationship then — send her back. You deserve more!

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Hey Trinity,
I’ve been hanging out a lot with this guy whom I can’t quite figure out if he’s gay or not. When I went to his house, I looked for clues, but I’m still clueless. Any thoughts?
Clueless, Baltimore, MD

Hey Clueless,
Sometimes it’s hard to tell who is or is not gay. So, I asked all of my sources and, darling, here is what we came up with:

Trinity’s Undercover Tips For Telling If Someone Is Not Gay By Searching For Clues In Their Home
1. Living room — no throw rugs, throw pillows nor throw fabrics. Not gay!
2. Kitchen — no pesto, gourmet crackers nor fresh flowers. Not gay!
3. Bedroom — no matching lamps, bed skirts nor Warhol knockoffs. Not gay!
4. Bathroom — no hand towels, hand soaps nor hand-carved sculptures. Not gay!
5. CD rack — no Shirley Bassey, Barbra Streisand nor Broadway musicals. Not gay!
6. Wall Decor — Street signs, beer signs or signs of old wallpaper. Not gay. (Thank God!)
7. The bar — does not have Pinot Noir or martini glasses, but does have imitation Kahlua. Not gay!
8. Answering machine — uses words like, “Stoked,” Shit ya,” or “No way man.” Definitely not gay!
9. Cutlery drawer — only has plastic forks, cafeteria spoons and steak knives with Denny’s logo. Not gay!
10. Lastly — no signs of anything with Marilyn Monroe, wrapped in leopard, singing a club version of “Diamonds.” Not gay! : :

info: With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org. Learn more at telltrinity.com.

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