The “getting dumped, dumping someone and why it’s always your fault” issue

Tell Trinity

Dearest Trinity,
A year and a half ago, my boyfriend left me with no explanation. And, he wouldn’t even return my phone calls or answer his door. Then he moved. Fast forward to a year later with his new boyfriend on his arm, he returns. I liked his new boyfriend, but I still never got my overdue closure. Now, I have their number to finally get closure. Should I call?
Wounded & Wondering, Green Bay, WI

Dearest Wounded & Wondering,
Men are selfish, boring, overbearing animals and no lame excuse will ever right his dirty dumping wrongs. Whether he was running from the law or himself it was a year ago and won’t change your life today. So, let’s fast-forward to you. What do you need to empower yourself again — a new boyfriend, a new job, a new outfit, what? Sweetie, it’s totally time to move on and stop playing Patty Labelle’s “Somewhere Over The Rainbow.” However, if it’s “closure” you must have, then closure you surely deserve. Yes, calmly call him and demand closure. And then…move on!

Hello Trinity,
I’m dating someone who is so sweet and so nice, but I’m so not into him. I’m terrible at dumping someone. Help!
Working The Dump, Buffalo, NY

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tt_399_021414Hello Working The Dump,
It’s awful making someone feel bad and even more frustrating figuring out how to do it. But, honey, if it’s not working you must not waste his time or yours. The six rules for dumping someone are: be clear, be present, be compassionate, do it privately in a public place, never dump by phone or email (after the second week) and be far away from any glass, guns or moving vehicles! (I’ve got a few suggestions if you’ll check out my cartoon.)

Dear Trinity,
It was just after five months when I got handed a list of “why it’s my fault” the relationship isn’t working and has to end. Trinity, why is it always the “other person’s” fault?
The List, Louisville, KY

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Dear List,
In most relationships it’s never “their” fault. Welcome to the dating game. Now, pumpkin, after you rise from the shock, copy this list and send it to him or her.

Trinity’s 99 Ridiculous Reasons For Why It’s My Fault And Not Yours That The Relationship Didn’t Work
1. (8) Because “I wasn’t enough”, i.e. smart, masculine, talkative, quiet, pretty, cute, funny or wealthy enough.
2. (8) Because “I wasn’t supportive with your” addictions to drinking, drugging, working, shop lifting, promiscuity, cruising, the gym or steroids.
3. (9) Because “I didn’t like listening to your” music, TV, singing, snoring, complaining, bird chirping, burping or your constant chatting on the cellphone and internet.
4. (10) Because “I didn’t like the smell of your” breath, food, cologne, laundry detergent, shampoo, incense, dog, cat, snake or your constant flatulence.
5. (16) Because “I didn’t know how to deal with your never-ending” depression, anti-depressants, mood swings, hypochondria, paranoia, split personality or your 10 other emotional disorders.
6. (6) Because “I didn’t push you hard enough to give up” your smoking habit, your lousy job, your credit card problems, your eating disorder, your multi tasking or your need to be controlled.
7. (7) Because “I didn’t like going with you” to the neighbors, the bars, the casino, expensive dinners, traveling, shopping or to your mothers house every weekend.
8. (6) Because “I kept lecturing you on” being late, being judgmental, being rude, being disrespectful, being sloppy and for Goddamn swearing so much.
9. (25) Because “I wouldn’t let you” eat ice cream for dinner, french fries for breakfast, chocolate cake for lunch or the 22 other unhealthy things that you and your doctor keep saying will kill you.
10. (4) Lastly, because I wouldn’t do the right things, feel the right feelings, wear the right clothes or sleep just the right way when you wanted me to. : :

info: With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org. Learn more at telltrinity.com.

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