Flip phones vs smart phone hookup apps

Tell Trinity

Dear Trinity,
My lover and I recently purchased “modern” cell phones. We had the old flip phone ones forever. Now my lover spends all his free time on the hookup apps on his smartphone. However, many moons ago we separated due to his infidelity with meeting people on the internet, which is, coincidentally, also how we met. He promised that I would be his last chat, but it’s not the case anymore. Help!
Lost in Cyberspace, Charlotte, NC

Dear Lost,
When your lover’s an alcoholic you must keep your booze outside the house. Similarly, when you’re lover is cell phone hookup app addict, you must also choose to go back to flip phones. When the one you love has a problem that threatens your relationship, you do not have a choice, honey. So, immediately, exchange those smartphones for flip phones. Keep talking about his issue and keep on top of it, or start packing! Having a smartphone and him will obviously never be a choice you get to make! Good luck.

Dearest Trinity,
I saw you recently in Montreal, Canada, where you talked about going to Campus and Stock Bar, two of the all-male lap-dancing clubs. Really, don’t you think showing your face in those place is advocating immorality?
Moral-boro Man, Montreal, Canada

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tt_412_081514Dearest Moral-boro Man,
I’d love to say that the sex industry is evil and naughty, but I truly believe the opposite. It’s part of our gay community and part of our society for thousands of years. In the heart of what appears to be evil is often good. Sweetie, both those clubs made me feel oh so good! (See how this plays out for me when you check out my cartoon.)

Hey Trinity,
I dated a guy for five months when I lived in California. We dated up until I left. Unfortunately, before we met I already had plans to move back East, so I did. Recently, he visited and begged me to move back. Even though I really love him, I just started a new job and I’m all settled in. Any advice?
Stay Or Go, Provincetown, MA

Hey Stay Or Go,
I’m afraid, since you’re already settled in, there’s just one respectable thing to do, quit and move back! Pumpkin, life’s too short! Unless your salary can fly both of you back and forth for a while, you must follow your intuition. And, if it says go, well then go and have an adventurous life and don’t look back! Did you know that Queen Elizabeth’s uncle gave up the throne to marry a commoner, which is how Elizabeth eventually became queen. See the movie W.E.

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Hello Trinity,
Every time I have a one-night stand, I end up in some sort of complicated situation rather than just having a good time. Why me?
One Night Stand-Off, Rehoboth Beach, DE

Hello Stand-Off,
Before going home with a stranger, darling, you must ask certain key questions and listen for certain key answers such as in:

Trinity’s Pinnacle Questions To Ask A One Night Stand Before Going Home With Him Or Her (Note: everything in parenthesis is implied not said!)
1. Do I stay the night (or are you hiring a driver to take me home)?
2. Is your house clean? (Do you have a housekeeper and staff?)
3. Do you have pets (that shed)? And, if so, do you (and I have to) sleep with them?
4. Do you have to work early (at a well-paying job) tomorrow?
5. Where do you live (not the name, but a private home, condo or ranch-style estate)?
6. Do you plan on feeding me (a buffet breakfast) in the morning?
7. Is there parking (with security)?
8. Do you snore (like an animal)?
9. Do you have protection (that includes insurance — home, health and theft)?
10. Lastly, what’s your last name (just in case you’re a distant relative)?

info: With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org. Learn more at telltrinity.com.

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