Dear Trinity,
After three months together my boyfriend suddenly revealed that he’s uncomfortable with me being uncut. In fact, he has “cut” out oral sex completely. How do I keep from feeling self-conscious?
Cut To The Chase, Minneapolis, Minn.

Dear Cut To The Chase,
According to Madison Avenue marketing giants, “Men’s sexual desires change with the right marketing strategy.” Thus, like any male “American,” he can be marketed towards appreciating “European” features. So, first, buy some adult magazines that feature “European” men and leave them around for him to get acquainted with. Second, rent some XXX videos that, coincidentally, also feature hot “European” men and see if he starts a new fetish. Lastly, darling, make sure you are always clean down there, which can often be a problem that your lover avoids discussing! I learned my lesson living in Montreal for five years. Now keep your head high!

Dearest Trinity,
I’m thinking about joining the gym, but I’m very intimidated by all those, “beautiful” people. How can I get past that?
Gym Crunch, Raleigh, N.C.

Dearest Crunched,
Start with a trainer who will make you focus on them. Find a sexy one. It helps! And, honey, remember this phrase, “Fake it till you make it!” (My cartoon has some clues on how to handle this dilemma.)

Hi Trinity,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years. But, he still lives with his parents who keep him financially secure. He’s also closeted and still hasn’t met my family. I’m tired of sleeping alone and going home alone for the holidays. Is that awful?
Five-Year Itch, New York City, N.Y.

Hi Itchy,
Five years? In the closet? Still living at home? And, you’re now getting tired. You must be the illegitimate son of Mother Theresa. Pumpkin, you finally want a “real” life and you’re asking if that’s awful! On the contrary, it’s wonderful. Take off your holy robe, sit his butt down and have the “talk.” Tell him your needs and come out of the closet with some new agreements. If he won’t come out and play like a grown up, then take a break with a new healthy, romantic adventure. You deserve it all!

Hey Trinity,
My lover is turning 40 in a month. What is the best gift?
Forty Thoughts, Ft. Lauderdale Fla.

Hey Forty Thoughts,
I don’t know your brother, but I do know about turning 30 — I mean 40. So, sweetie, buy him a gift card and stick in it:

Trinity’s Timely Tips For Things You Should Have By Your 40th Birthday
1. You should have something invested in an IRA, the stock market or some sort of property, (besides an old car).
2. If you don’t have health or life insurance now, put this list down and start searching the internet.
3. If you’re still fighting with your siblings, parents or childhood sweetheart, move on and foregive everyone in your past, today.
4. By now you should have or have had a lover, a mistress, a best friend or a long-term pet (fish not included).
5. Hair-color, teeth whitening and nose clippers better be products you respect, not reject.
6. If you still can’t cook, clean or keep good financial records, then you better be great in bed.
7. If the terms: exercise, health food, a good night sleep or positive thoughts make no sense to you, then they better start to.
8. According to Joan Rivers, “the key to looking youthful is staying in style,” so an updated wardrobe is paramount.
9. If you’re dating a 20 year old and your friends get jealous, remember, 20 goes into 40 a hell of lot more than 40 goes into itself.
10. Lastly, half of your life may be over, so live, love, laugh, do everything at least once and say yes as often as you can!

— With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity was host of “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama, and now performs globally.
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