Greek Mythology: Give me your son’s virginity or get out

Tell Trinity

Dear Trinity,
Last year, I visited a friend and thought it was great, but when I asked to visit again, he said in so many words, “Only when you become a better houseguest!” What did I
do wrong?
Confused Guest, Baltimore, MD 

Dear Confused Guest,
In the days of Greek mythology, the “Overnight Houseguest Rule” stated, “The host must offer not only a feast [to his guest], but sometimes also offer his son for pleasure. However, if the houseguest stayed past a night, then the houseguest must offer his host a plethora of fabrics, gems and, possibly, his own son or daughter for sex or for marriage.” Similarly, today’s rule states, “If you stay one night only, expect to be treated well, but after that expect to treat your host equally as well, especially if visiting for a week.” If you want to be the perfect houseguest, start with a gift, continue (after a day) with dinner and end (after a week) by cleaning up after yourself, a thank you card or a call. Honey, at least you don’t have to forego your child’s virginity!

Dearest Trinity,
I’m dating the most wonderful, charming and… married man. He’s great, and we have so much fun, but complications have risen and I’m getting scared. Help?
The Married Date, Maui, HI

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tt_429_041015Dearest Married Date,
Life, men and dating are all hard enough, but dating someone married can definitely be the hardest! So, sweetie, I have two questions, “What the hell did you expect?” and “What the hell do you expect? Dating someone married always means living a “Hollywood drama” and having some “High Anxiety” (think Mel Brookes)! (This whole issue can make you dizzy, like swirling in the vortex! Take a gander at my cartoon on how it affects me.)

Hey Trinity,
I met a couple that wants me for a threeway. What do you think?
Three For Dinner, Panama City, FL

Hey Three For Dinner,
In 10 years from now, there’ll be plenty of books on this subject, but for now threeways are still slightly taboo. However, being with a couple, as the third “without expectation” of a relationship may not only be adventurous and exciting, but may be a happy handful. Oh, and darling, call me with their number when you’re done!

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Hello Trinity,
I can’t keep a job to save my life. Any advise!
Job Less, Brooklyn, NY

Hello Job Less,
Are you showing up in a wrinkled suit or with a cellphone attached to your ear? Pumpkin, there are right ways to go to work, to act at work and to keep a job. If you’re still confused read:

Trinity’s Smart Tips For Keeping Your Job
1. Show up on time. Late employees always get fired!
2. Be social even if you’re not. People like working around others they feel comfortable with.
3. Practice camaraderie. Practice conformity without conflict. And, practice individuality without selfishness!
4. Problems and personal projects should be kept at home. A job is a place where you work for someone else not for yourself or on your problems!
5. Your knowledge should be used not just to better yourself. It’s normal to manipulate the system, but manipulate it to better your employer, too.
6. Say yes as often as you can. If you really don’t agree you can say, “Yes but…!” Be positive and affirming even if it’s not your nature.
7. Never allow yourself to become too comfortable or blasé or you may end up boring yourself right out of a job!
8. Talking bad about others always comes back to slap you in the face and may cost you more than just embarrassment!
9. Act like you’re at work not at a café! I know you’ve been employed there for years but… get to work!
10. Lastly, be respectful to your bosses, other employees and to your customers. Be all about the solutions not the problems! : :

info: With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org. Learn more at telltrinity.com.

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