Marriage: Don’t kill him, just get a divorce

Tell Trinity

Dear Trinity,
My niece is getting married and I want to give her some advice. But, I’ve never been married. What would you tell her about marriage and maintaining a relationship before she says, “I do”?
Marriage Advice, New Haven, Conn.

Dear Marriage Advice,
Getting married is like moving into an old house. It will need constant fixing, refining and never should it be left alone for too long. It will need to be treated romantically, reminded of its worth and a good renegotiation now and then is a must. Yet, a marriage also needs respect, communication and understanding, in that order. What it doesn’t need is nagging reminders of what happened 10 years ago. So, pumpkin, to maintain a marriage, take breaks alone, vacations together and to quote Court TV, “ If everything goes wrong don’t kill him, just get a divorce!”

Dearest Trinity,
After seven years of being fat and celibate, I lost a lot of weight and finally want to try sex again. I get propositioned at clubs to “spend the night,” but I feel odd using someone for sex. Are one-night stands wrong?
Feeling Odd, Washington, D.C.

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Dearest Feeling Odd,
Sometimes, we just have to let go and forget what’s right, pure and holy. Sometimes we just have to open our minds to dangerous flirting, wild dancing and one-night stands. Yes, sometimes, honey, we have to hit the clubs on a Saturday night and let the fever take us home with a stranger and show us what lust is all about. If John Travolta can why not you? (I can show you how in my cartoon.)

Hello Trinity,
After dating for many years, I finally found the perfect mate. I know this is it and I’m ready to propose marriage. But, when is it time to stop dating and start proposing?
Finally Found It, Milwaukee, Wisc.

Hello Finally Found It,
Once upon a time in the small town of Dating, just outside the big city of Marriage, a man wrote the queen asking, “When is it time to move to Marriage? The queen replied, “What, are you crazy for wanting to leave Dating? Your rent’s cheap and Marriage is full of troubles!” So, the man patiently thought until one day he simply knew it was time to move to Marriage, no matter what the queen said, and so will you, sweetie!

Hey Trinity,
I have no luck with sex or relationships. I have no time for dating. And, the world is filled with diseases. That’s why I’m choosing celibacy. But, my friends think these are the wrong reasons. Do you think I’m wrong?
Celibate Decisions, Brooklyn, N.Y.

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Hey Celibate Decisions,
Not only do I think these are the wrong reasons to hide behind celibacy instead of working on your sexual issues, but, darling here are also:

Trinity’s Unreasonable Reasons (And Tips) For Being Celibate
1. “I have no genitals.” (But, you still can enjoy someone else’s.)
2. “The genitals I have don’t work.” (I repeat, “You still can enjoy someone else’s.”)
3. “I found God.” (But, there are plenty of sects without celibate clergy.)
4. “I was saving myself for the perfect mate and now I’m too old.” (But, don’t you want to reach adolescents some time in your life?)
5. “I’m afraid of sex and have very low self esteem.” (But, with a good therapist you’ll be “shagging” in no time.)
6. “I’m hideously unattractive.” (Ugly people can have great sex too.)
7. “I’m grotesquely deformed.” (OK, you got me!)
8. “I’ve never had sex so why start?” (Well, what the hell are you waiting for?)
9. “I’m afraid of diseases.” (But, safe sex also means great sex.)
10. Lastly, “I have no luck or time for sex.” (Honey, if Edison had that attitude we’d have no lights!)

— With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity was host of “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama, and now performs globally.

info: www.telltrinity.com . Trinity@telltrinity.com
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