How do you know when you’re obsessed versus when you’re strongly attached to someone? And how do you control obsession?
Obsessions, Albany, NY
Everyone obsesses — and I mean everyone! How well you control it versus how much it controls you distinguishes a “crazed” or obsessed desire from a healthy or strong attachment. When impulsiveness turns to compulsiveness or when you go from calling once a day to sleeping underneath their bedroom window every night, this is when it’s time to “snap out of it!” The key word is “control!” And, honey, the key to freedom is to keep checking in with yourself. Keep busy doing healthy things like sleeping, exercising and visiting friends, even visiting support groups such as AA, NA or SLA. Also therapy will teach you about controlling your obsessions, your compulsions and your sick, twisted, uncontrollable self. I didn’t just say that, did I?
I have been dating someone for a while now. But he gets jealous over the dumbest things, like if I go out with my friends, if I look at someone else or, God forbid, if someone talks to me! What can I do?
Jealous Jam, San Francisco, CA
Dear Jealous Jam,
Jealousy is a personal insecurity that someone brings into a relationship way before the relationship ever began. When someone is jealous usually they’re not aware that it’s all about their jealousy as opposed to being about someone else or about the relationship. So, sweetie, let him know that these jealous outbursts are “his” issues and “he” needs to deal with them by a) learning to trust himself and you, b) trusting the relationship, c) accepting that you are not cheating on him and, lastly, d) that jealousy will kill you and your relationship — unless you kill him first! Good luck.
I’ve decided to move in with my girlfriend for a year to see if we’re compatible living together first before getting married. What are your thoughts on this?
Roommates First, Hartford, CT
Dearest Roommates First,
Some say, “Marriage forces a couple to make it work,” but I say living together first helps a marriage work better. Since love is “blind,” love needs time to “see” what the hell it’s getting into, as well as time to figure out who’s in charge of cleaning, cooking, communicating and feeding the cat. If you’re going to make educated and timely decisions towards choosing the perfect mate, then, pumpkin, why not include (in those decisions) the experience of living together first? (My cartoon will give you some insight into how I’ve handled this exact situation.)
Why is it that some people have found their soulmate and some of us are still single? Am I single because I am doing something wrong?
Single Stumped, Cheyenne, WY
Hello Single Stumped,
There are many reasons why someone is single and someone is not! There are also many reasons why someone murders their spouse. But, darling, on a more practical note here are:
Trinity’s Ridiculous & Rational Reasons For Why You’re Still Single
1. You’re not attractive enough. (Then why do unattractive people find love?)
2. You’re not wealthy, witty or worldly enough! (But there are plenty of poor, introverted, non-intelligent couples!)
3. You’re not emotionally available! (Yet, many insane people marry!)
4. You’re not ready to commit sexually! (But many relationships are not based on sex!)
5. You’re trying too hard! (But, people who never give up often win!)
6. You’re time hasn’t come yet! (Finding someone special does take time!)
7. You’re too choosy! (Be choosy, but take risks as well!)
8. You’re not ready yet! (Self-exploration is easier when you’re single!)
9. You’re too selfish! (Relationships need compromise not constant complaining!)
10. Lastly, you’re not trying hard enough! (You must keep working at it or you will never find a mate!)
info: With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org. Learn more at telltrinity.com.