Is foreskin holding back your sex life?

Dear Trinity,
After three months together, my boyfriend suddenly revealed that he’s uncomfortable with me being uncut. In fact, he has “cut” out oral sex completely. How do I keep from feeling self-conscious?
Cut To The Chase, Minneapolis, MN

Dear Cut To The Chase,
According to Madison Avenue marketing giants, “Men’s sexual desires change with the right marketing strategy.” Thus, like any “American” male, he can be remarketed toward appreciating your “European” feature. So first, buy some adult magazines that feature “European” men and leave them around. Second, rent some XXX videos that coincidentally also feature “European” men and see if he starts a new fetish. And lastly, darling, make sure you always clean and smell fresh down there. This can often be a problem that doesn’t get discussed! I learned the hard way while living in Montreal for five years. Now keep your head high!

Dearest Trinity,
I’m thinking about joining the gym, but I’m very intimidated by all those “beautiful” people. How can I get past that?
Gym Crunch, Raleigh, NC

Dearest Crunched,
Start with a trainer who will make you focus on them. Find a sexy one. It helps! And, honey, remember this phrase:” Fake it till you make it!” (I sure can fake it on the exercise floor, especially if I’m not actually touching the floor! Check out my cartoon to see how I do it. Back to the count…and three and four.)

Hi Trinity,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years. But he still lives with his parents who keep him financially secure. He’s also closeted and still hasn’t met my family. I’m tired of sleeping alone and going home alone for the holidays. Is that awful?
Five-Year Itch, New York City, NY

Hi Itchy,
Five years, in the closet and still living at home? And you’re now getting tired. You must be the illegitimate son of Mother Theresa. Pumpkin, you finally want a “real” life and you’re asking if that’s awful! On the contrary, it’s wonderful! Take off your holy robe, sit his butt down and have the “talk!” Tell him your needs, and come out of the closet with some new agreements. If he won’t come out and play like a grown up after five years, then take a break from him. Absence makes the heart grow smarter. You deserve it all!

Hey Trinity,
My partner is turning 40 in a month. What is the best gift?
Forty Thoughts, Ft. Lauderdale FL

Hey Forty Thoughts,
I don’t know your partner, but I do know about turning fo… fo… fo… forty. So, sweetie, buy him a gift card and stick this in it:

Trinity’s Timely Tips For Things You Should Have By Your Fortieth Birthday
1. You should have something invested in an IRA, the stock market or some sort of property, (besides an old car)!
2. If you don’t have health or life insurance now, put this list down and start searching the internet!
3. If you’re still fighting with your siblings, parents or childhood sweetheart…move on and forgive everyone in your past, today!
4. By now you should have or have had a boyfriend, a mistress, a best friend or a long-term pet (fish not included).
5. Hair-color, teeth whitening and nose clippers better be products you respect, not reject!
6. If you still can’t cook, clean or keep good financial records, then you better be great in bed!
7. If the terms: exercise, health food, a good night sleep or positive thoughts make no sense to you, then they better start to!
8. According to Joan Rivers, “the key to looking youthful is staying in style, “ so an updated wardrobe is paramount!
9. If you’re dating a 20-year-old and your friends get jealous, remember, 20 goes into 40 a hell of a lot more than 40 goes into itself!
10. Lastly, half of your life may be over, so live, love, laugh, do everything at least once, oh and say yes as often as you can!

info: With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org. Learn more at telltrinity.com.