Don’t kill him, just get a divorce!

Tell Trinity

Dear Trinity,
My niece is getting married, and I want to give her some advice. But I’ve never been married. So before she says “I do,” what should I tell her “to do” about maintaining a marriage?
Marriage Advice, New Haven, CT

Dear Marriage Advice,
Remind her that getting married is like buying an old house. It needs constant fixing and refining, and should never be left alone for too long. Negotiate the big decisions, and don’t sweat the small ones. Lastly, the more love and kindness you show it, the more valuable it becomes with time. What a marriage itself needs is respect, communication and understanding, in that order, not nagging reminders of what happened five years ago. So, pumpkin, tell her to take breaks alone, vacations together, and, to quote Court TV, “ If everything goes wrong don’t kill him, just get a divorce!”

Dearest Trinity,
After seven years of being uncomfortable about my weight and basically being sexless, I lost a lot of weight and finally want to try sex again. I get propositioned at clubs to “spend the night,” but I feel odd using someone for sex. Are one-night stands wrong?
Feeling Odd, Washington, DC

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Dearest Feeling Odd,
Sometimes in life we just have to let go and forget about what’s “right” and pure and holy. Sometimes we just have to open our minds to dangerous flirting, wild dancing and one-night stands. Yes, baby, it’s sometimes OK to hit the clubs on a Saturday night and let the fever take us…home with a stranger and show us what lust is all about. (My cartoon shows you how to set the night on fire once you decide that it’s OK to get off the dance floor and get some “night fever” stoked!)

Hello Trinity,
After dating for many years, I finally found the perfect guy. I know this is it, and I’m ready to propose marriage. But when is it time to stop dating and start proposing?
Finally Found It, Milwaukee, WI

Hello Finally Found It,
Once upon a time in the small town of Dating, just outside the big city of Marriage, a man wrote the Queen asking, “When is it time to move to Marriage? The Queen replied, “What… are you crazy for wanting to leave Dating? Your rent’s cheap and Marriage is full of troubles!” So the man thought and thought until one day, he simply knew it was time to move to Marriage, no matter what the Queen said. And so will you, sweetie!

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Hey Trinity,
I have no luck with sex or relationships and no time for dating, plus the world is filled with diseases. That’s why I’m choosing celibacy. But my friends think these are the wrong reasons for choosing celibacy! Help?
Celibate Decisions, Brooklyn, NY

Hey Celibate Decisions,
Not only do I think these are the wrong reasons to hide behind celibacy instead of working on your sexual issues, but, darling, here are also:

Trinity’s Unreasonable Reasons (And Tips) For Being Celibate
1. “I have no genitals.” (But you still can enjoy someone else’s.)
2. “The genitals I have don’t work.” (I repeat, “You still can enjoy someone else’s.”)
3. “I found God.” (But there are plenty of sects without celibate clergy.)
4. “I was saving myself for the perfect mate, and now I’m too old.” (But don’t you want to reach adolescence some time in your life?)
5. “I’m an amputee, quadriplegic with elephantiasis.” (OK, I need a drink!)
6. “I’m afraid of sex and have very low self esteem.” (But with a good therapist, you’ll be “shagging” in no time.)
7. “I’m extremely unattractive.” (Unattractive humans find mates and have great sex too.)
8. “I’ve never had sex, so why start?” (What the hell are you waiting for?)
9. “I’m afraid of diseases.” (But safe sex also means great sex.)
10. Lastly, “I have no luck or time for sex.” (Honey, if Edison had that attitude, we’d all be living in the dark!)

info: With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org. Learn more at telltrinity.com.

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