Dear Trinity,
Everything, including sex with my boyfriend, couldn’t be better with one exception, he wants me to defecate on him. Despite my refusals, he persists, but I’m afraid if I don’t satisfy his “dirty pleasures” he’ll seek it somewhere else. Help?
Dirty Pleasures, Boston, MA

Dear Dirty Pleasures,
You can simply keep ignoring his shitty desires (sorry, I had to say the “S” word just once) and see what happens — or hire a professional fetish escort. With a professional there’s no chance of romance…only cash advance. Maybe this way, honey, he’ll get it out of his system once and for all or get tired of someone else getting it “out of their system.” Good luck!

Hello Trinity,
My partner never wants to fool around when we first wake up. “It’s hard for me to get the feeling in the morning,” is all I hear. How do I get my partner into the morning mood?
Morning Desires, Tucson, AZ

Hello Morning Desires,
I’m sure you’d never think of getting the both of you to bed early then you getting up first, getting cleaned up, dressed up and preparing a little champagne breakfast just to seduce your partner, would you? Get the hint, darling! (See my cartoon for some juicy tips on “serving it up on a silver platter” to get your beau in the mood for “gifts from Tiffany’s”)

Hey Trinity,
My girlfriend and I broke up five months ago. Now it would’ve been our second year anniversary, and I think about her all the time. How do I get her out of my head? Plus, what should I do with the pictures of us?
Memory Troubles, Utica, NY

Hey Memory Troubles,
Being depressed over a breakup is depressing. Yet, did you know that depression created some of the world’s greatest art and music? So don’t avoid your sadness, but rather use it as inspiration. Now as for getting him out of your head, try staying busy with things like dating, working, volunteering, exercising and traveling. Don’t give yourself time to get melancholy, give yourself time to love life. And, lastly, pumpkin, either hide those pictures in the back of the hardest to reach place or toss ‘em out which you’ll eventually do anyway!

To Trinity,
You’re such an advocate of dating. But don’t you think that some people are just meant to be alone forever?
Dating Excuses, Oklahoma City, OK

To Dating Excuses,
Yes, sweetie, some people are meant to be alone only after…they’ve dated everyone twice and read:

Trinity’s Excuses For Not Dating And (Tough Replies For Dating)
1. “I’m waiting for my dream lover!” (Very Hollywood — but dating while waiting makes a much better documentary.)
2. “I’m not settling for less than perfect!” (Very virtuous — but no one is perfect. So loosen up and start dating!)
3. “Dating is too much work.” (Very couch potato — but living is work, and what else are you gonna do, watch YouTube videos forever?)
4. “After my last relationship I’m done dating.” (Very post-war — but how boring to let your past relationships ruin your future ones.)
5. “No one could compare to my first love!” (Very cliche — but let someone at least try to snap you out of your fairy tale history.)
6. “I don’t have time to date!” (Very CEO — but just think of how much time and money you’ll save on loneliness therapy!)
7. “I’m still mourning the loss of my last lover.” (Very Greek tragedy — but when you’re done wearing black can you start wearing life again!)
8. “When it’s the right time it will happen!” (Very spiritual — but taking steps towards meeting people will prove even more enlightening!)
9. “I’m busy taking care of someone.” (Very Mother Theresa — but while you’re helping someone else with their life, also try helping yourself with yours.)
10. Lastly, “Dating is too disappointing!” (Very van Gogh — but we must be the sum of our experience, not be the sum of our fears or failures!) : :

info: With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org. Learn more at telltrinity.com.