How to ‘move out’ right the first time

Tell Trinity

Dearest Trinity,
I’ve been living in a very dysfunctional relationship and will be moving out ASAP. But I want to move out with the least amount of drama if possible. Help?
Moving Drama, Austin, TX

Dearest Moving Drama,
When it comes to “moving out,” there’s always drama and often trauma. That’s why you need to do it right the first time, not when it’s too late. You need to strategically plan where you’re moving to, and who’s helping you, plus separating who gets what, and, most importantly, getting your name off all the bills. You may even want to seek the advice of a lawyer in advance. Then, my darling, once you’re out and free and have destroyed everything that reminds you of him or her, take a wonderful singles vacation somewhere intoxicating!

Hey Trinity,
My girlfriend freaks out and lectures me about being late. She’s obsessive about being on time, but I can’t always be on time. How can I win with her?
Late Again, Columbus, OH

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Hey Late Again,
Yes, in the perfect world she should learn to love you for your lack of integrity. However, when it comes to lateness it’s you that’s missing the train, not her. Sorry, pumpkin, you can always be on time, or when you know you’re going to be late, change the time by calling her 30 minutes to three hours in advance to say, “I need to move our meeting time!” Moving the time makes everyone on time. (Have a plan to be on time so you can get in sync with the “train” schedule and not be left on the platform or at the station as my cartoon shows.)

Dear Trinity,
I’ve been dating and sleeping with a military man. But recently I found out he’s a priest, and aren’t priests supposed to be celibate? Should I be worried?
Celibate Date, Santa Fe, NM

Dear Celibate Date,
You should always be aware of your surroundings, as well as aware of military men who leave on “foreign affairs.” You should also find out if he’s a non-celibate priest like Episcopalian or Protestant. And lastly, sweetie, whatever he is, be in the moment, have wild walks, exciting talks and exhausting sex, especially with our soldiers!

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Hello Trinity,
My roommate is on my case to “clean up” myself especially when I go out on a date. He says, “Men have to make themselves attractive too!” Shouldn’t a man be attracted to another man for who we naturally are?
Naturally Handsome, Trenton, NJ

Hello Naturally Handsome,
Of course, everyone should be themselves, honey, but why not be your best self, your groomed self, your clean self? If women spend hours at the beauty parlor, shouldn’t men spend a little time too? So here are:

Trinity’s Preparatory Tips For Men Just Before Going Out On A Date
1. Clipping or pulling out your (visual) nose hairs makes looking at you less like looking at a zoo animal.
2. Trimming your eyebrows (especially the curly, runaway ones) means you’ll never force someone to remember Einstein or Mr. Hyde.
3. Shaving the hair off the back of your neck assures you’ll look younger and less prehistoric.
4. Getting rid of the hairs sprouting from your ears says, “I have a job. I have a mirror. And I won’t eat you!”
5. Brushing and flossing before you go out keeps people from covering their noses while talking to you.
6. Styling your hair or trimming or shaving your somewhat baldhead gives the idea that you’re not a lonely, introverted unabomber.
7. Dyeing the gray, especially from your beard, takes an immediate 10 years off your age and your sexual history.
8. Manicures are not only healthy, but a sign of class.
9. Doing a few pre-date exercises — like pushups, pull-ups, dips and curls — will give you an immediate shape, cut and curve.
10. Lastly, dressing in plaids, stripes and polka dots promises you’ll be hard to look at and do well avoiding moving vehicles! : :

info: With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org. Learn more at telltrinity.com.

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