Ending a relationship so that no one gets killed

Tell Trinity

Hey Trinity,
My ex is mad, not because I dumped him, but because I did it on the phone. With my last breakup, I just wrote an email and that worked fine. Did I do something wrong?
Why Be There, Maui, HI

Hey Why Be There,
In no book, Bible or contract is it written, “You can dump someone like a wimp, i.e., via phone, email, voicemail or Post-it Note.” Ending a healthy relationship is like ripping a nursing baby from its mother’s bosom, especially if you’ve been dating for over a month. In other words, sweetie, you must end it like a doctor telling someone they have cancer, by being present, gentle and ready for tears or anger. Next time do it in person, please, and close to their home so no one gets killed.

Dearest Trinity,
I’ve been with my partner for almost 18 months, and it’s still one big drama after another. How can I stop the drama before it destroys our relationship?
Less Drama, Hoboken, NJ

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Dearest Less Drama,
Unfortunately, some people are born with “drama cells.” So, get him to either meditate, do breathing exercises or spiritually accept “it’s all taken care of,” plus watch his sugar and coffee intake. A glass of wine with meals might help too. Lastly, darling, let him know that his drama truly rules and ruins: you, him, your relationship and world peace. (Relationships are about rulers. You don’t have to make others feel small when you are in a relationship, nor do you have to be a shrinking violet, as my cartoon shows.)

Dear Trinity,
I’ve been dating a girl who smokes (and smokes and smokes). It’s been six months of avoiding her breath, clothes, hands and ashtrays. Help!
In Cigarette Hell, Austin, TX

Dear Cigarette Hell,
Dating a smoker means being polite while suffocating. Even the outdoors promises no salvation. Sorry, but it may never go away until a) she quits smoking, b) you begin smoking, c) you create some “smoking rules” or d) you both quit…the relationship. Until then, honey, it may always be “me, my date and her cigarette.”

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Hello Trinity,
I’m 40 and dating a 28-year old who is great, but still dresses and lives li-e a student on a student budget. He needs a makeover. How do I tell him?
Makeover Mate, Montreal, Canada

Hello Makeover Mate,
Many students even 10 years after graduation don’t realize dorm life is over. If you want this to work, pumpkin, send him flowers with a copy of:

Trinity’s Sensible Tips For “What It’s Time To Do By Your 28th Birthday”
1. It’s time to move out of your family’s house unless assisting an ailing relative!
2. It’s time to replace those meals of french fries, chips, alcohol and cereals with the “adult diet” of foods you have to cook.
3. It’s time to rebuild your wardrobe because those old clothes that made you look cool 10 years ago now make you look unemployed!
4. It’s time to fully accept the word “hygiene” — including daily showers, moisturizers, (unwanted) hair trimmings and twice-a-year dental cleanings.
5. It’s time to start a healthy lifestyle, which means a) “partying” only on special occasions and b) needing to “prove” yourself only to… yourself.
6. It’s time to refurbish and repaint. The milk crate cabinets, bed sheet curtains and torn posters never really worked anyway!
7. It’s time to start an exercise plan by getting a jogging partner, signing up for a gym membership or joining a sports team and counting your cholesterol.
8. It’s time to start a relationship by actively looking to date, going on dates, or finally marrying the guy or girl you’ve dated for the last eight years.
9. It’s time to have a self-sustaining job, pay your own bills and credit cards and be mature enough to know when to ask for help!
10. Lastly, it’s time to decide who you are. The days of hanging out with best friends at the pinball arcades are over!

info: With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org. Learn more at telltrinity.com.

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