The true confessions of a…bottom

Tell Trinity

Dearest Trinity,
After eight years, my boyfriend and I get along in every way except sexually. See, I’m not a bottom, yet 100 percent of the time he only wants to top me. So, I’ve been “taking it” for eight years with nothing in return. Basically, I’m married to my hand. And complaining about it only makes him horny. Help!
Bottomed Out, San Diego, CA

Dearest Bottomed Out,
It’s hard to teach an old relationship new tricks, unless you start tricking him. So, let’s try offering him a before-bed back and butt massage then adding some kisses to his neck, ears, lower back and butt. Then gently start rubbing your pelvis up against his butt cheeks. If he likes the massage he may let you get away with some slight between-the-cheeks action. Otherwise, honey, after eight years of pillow biting, it’s time to either accept it, find a part-time playmate or find a full-time new mate who has your pleasures on his mind, not just on your behind!

Dear Trinity,
I work in a bar, have been single for most of my 35 years, and now I’m dating someone who wants monogamy. But monogamy for me is new. What do I do?
Monaga… Me?, Dallas, TX

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Dear Monaga…Me?,
Depending on your upbringing and sexual history, monogamy is easy for some and torturous for the rest of us…I mean them. However, if you stick with it, you will find that the lessons of self-control often surpass the pleasures of cheating. Monogamy has two rules: look but don’t touch, and take it one day at a time! Some succeed, some fail and everyone else, pumpkin, just keeps their mouth shut (hint, hint)! (My cartoon shows you how I pick flower petals to know whom to choose in the monogamy game! Hey, it almost sounds like a Broadway musical, doesn’t it? “No I can’t.” “Yes, I can.” Besides, jewels and bling always get my attention, too!) Good luck.

Hey Trinity,
Three weeks ago, I got dumped. Now I’m starting to see a few guys. Is it wrong to “rebound” (date right after a breakup) so fast?
Back In Action, Boston, MA

Hey Back In Action,
Soon after a breakup, it’s actually healthy to get right back into the ring of “rebound” dating (think rebounding off of the ropes in a boxing ring)! When one is dumped, sweetie, it’s best to suffer for no more than two weeks, then let the games begin! XOXO…

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Hello Trinity,
I met someone special, but from the next state. Any tips on long distance relationships?
Far From Heaven, Peoria, IL

Hello Far From Heaven,
Long distance relationships have their troubles, darling, but if you really must try it, then start
by reading:

Trinity’s Positive Tips For Long Distance Relationships
1. You’ll not only have someone special to spend time with, but you’ll also have your own private time too.
2. You’ll be able to keep your own place as clean or messy as you like until she or he comes to visit.
3. You’ll have more romantic dates together, as well as honeymoon-style weekends, which wouldn’t be the case if you lived together.
4. You’ll have all week long to do anything you like when he or she is gone. Couples who live together don’t have this luxury.
5. You’ll never get tired of seeing each other since it’s not every day.
6. You’ll always be going on some sort of trip or vacation together, especially if you meet in different exotic places.
7. You won’t have to groom, shower, wash your hair or brush your teeth as often since no one will see or smell you.
8. You won’t have to answer to, be responsible for or pick up after someone on a daily basis. (Hey, this doesn’t sound so bad.)
9. You’ll rarely have to fight over decor, TV shows, radio stations, houseguests or lighting. (Wow, this really sounds great!)
10. Lastly, you’ll be able to learn about your own selfishness, self-righteousness and self-control. (Well, maybe that’s taking it a bit too far.)

info: With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org. Learn more at telltrinity.com.

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