Before you have that one-night stand

Tell Trinity

Hello Trinity,
I love one-night stands. But every time I say, “Wanna get together again?” they say, “Sorry, I’m in a relationship!” What’s up with open relationships? Is everyone married?
Yours, Closed to the “Open,” Boston, MA

Hello Closed,
I agree, it seems like everyone’s married and we single people have become laboratory rats for the partnered world. Like you, I too find many couples “play openly.” I also hear couples say, “It keeps us together rather than tearing us apart” which makes me want to scream, “What-Ever!” So, sweetie, if you’re about to take part in a one-night stand but want a few more nights, just ask, “Are you partnered, single or a lab technician?”
Hold Tight to Your Rights, Trinity

Dearest Trinity,
My boyfriend is great, and I don’t want to hurt him, but how do I end my relationship without destroying someone I love?
Thanks, Happy Endings, Stanford, CT

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Dearest Happy Endings,
Saying “No more!” always hurts
even the strongest of beasts. So, finding the right time, place and/or right situation is your best solution. Never brake up during a fight, the end of a long day or when someone is in crisis. Yes, he will be upset, but time heals everything. And, darling, don’t tell him while shopping in a gun shop.
Kisses, Trinity

Hey Trinity,
I read your tips for getting rid of telemarketers. But really, I can’t just hang up on them like you suggested.
Yours, Telemarketing Troubles, Sioux Falls, SD

Hey Troubles,
If truth were told I also don’t always have the heart to hang up on those hard-working warriors of marketing. While we sometimes go numb and let them talk away, you must stay stern, clear and fast with your response of, “No!” Or, honey, come join me on the windowsill! (Stay grounded and battle against going over the edge like my cartoon shows.)

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Dear Trinity,
Someone I really liked dumped me because I acted “too ditzy and immature for a thirty-four-year-old man.” Why do I have to act my age?
Keeping My Lollipop, Detroit, MI

Dear Lollipop,
Eventually you have to stop being a little brat and become a responsible, educated, charming man. Being a man means not always quitting relationships or jobs, not always saying what you feel and not always partying when the sun goes down. But even better, pumpkin, here are:

Trinity’s Tough Tips For Knowing When You’re (SAD) Still A Ditzy-boy
1. When you spend your last paycheck on Lady Gaga tickets instead of paying your rent, you’re SAD!
2. When the woman you share your life with says, “Sweetie, let’s do something fun tonight.” and you think, “God, I hate my mother!” you’re SAD!
3. When your hairline is receding and your belly is extending, but you still insist on wearing your ‘80s flourescent club wear, then you’re shiny and SAD.
4. When your lover says, “You get dinner“ and you think “Happy Meal again, yippee!” — you’re definitely SAD.
5. When Monday means, instead of a hot shower, a shave and off to work, you grab a Bloody Mary, two aspirins and begin another hook-up app adventure. SAD!
6. When Friday means off to the 21-and-over bar for jello shots and beer pong, instead of dinner with grown-up friends, then SAD.
7. When you dump your lover of 10 years for a 22-year-old twinkie who is “really cute and sweet and likes my gaming station!” — guess what.
8. When you still spend your free time hanging out in arcades and shopping malls, guess what again.
9. When you withdraw your last two grand and blow it on an RSVP vacation because your credit cards are all maxed out, you’re SAD.
10. Lastly, you know you’re still a ditzy-boy when the last nine tips pissed you off and now you’re going to get stoned just to show Trinity who’s in charge of their life, SAD for sure!

With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org, Gay Spirituality for the Next Generation! Learn more at telltrinity.com. Send emails to: trinity@telltrinity.com.

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