I met someone at the bar who says he “wants to be with me,” yet doesn’t want to do non-bar related stuff together, not even a movie. When I confront him, he compares me to his abusive ex. Is there an unhealthy issue I haven’t figured out?
He Loves Me… Not, Green Bay, WI
Hello He Loves Me… Not,
I don’t have much experience with abusive relationships, but I do with barflies, distant men and losers. And, honey, when someone doesn’t want to spend private time with you, they either need more time, need a therapist or really are not interested. Either way, aren’t there other men who want to be with you, alone, outside a bar scene? When someone likes someone, they show it, not avoid it!
Come on! You know it’s all about sex, sex appeal and/or money when it comes to getting picked up or picking up someone. Don’t you think all this talk about “inner” beauty or intelligence is bull?
Beauty Or Bull, South Beach, FL
Dear Beauty Or Bull,
Yes, what you look like and have in the bank really helps to catch and keep someone, but eventually, baby, it’s inner charm, strength and humor that keep two people happy. In other words, you better have something “inside” that appears when your looks and money disappear! (Check out my cartoon for how I deal with this dilemma, sweetie!)
My friends claim I’m neglecting them because of my new girlfriend. I want to spend time with them, but I don’t want to neglect my new relationship. When is it safe to start spending time away from a relationship?
Time Away, Sante Fe, NM
Hey Time Away,
According to “The Rules,” a book written for women to catch and keep men, which could apply to any relationship, “not being 100 percent available makes you look important and worthy.” So, sweetie, it’s never neglectful, but rather healthy, to spend time apart because… that’s what successful people do!
Good Luck, Trinity
My relationship is not perfect, but my other half thinks it should be. What does it take to make the perfect relationship?
The Perfect Solution, Baton Rouge, LA
Dearest Perfect Solution,
Having the perfect relationship is an unrealistic expectation, unless, of course, you have a staff of 10 scholars guiding you through every situation. So, pumpkin, post this list on your fridge and see if your other half lightens up:
Trinity’s Degrees, Training Programs and Licenses You’re Expected to Have for the Perfect Relationship
1. PSYCHOLOGY Degree: Because you’ll be expected to know just how to figure out, point out and prove it’s not your fault.
2. ACCOUNTING Degree: Because anyone can go crazy spending money, and you’ll be expected to know just how to pay for it.
3. LAW Degree: Because misunderstandings and/or accidents happen, and you’ll be expected to defend your innocence.
4. HANDYMAN’S License: Because things break, and you’ll be expected to fix it. So, keep the manuals!
5. CHAUFFEUR’S License: Because loved ones need rides, and you’ll be expected to be the designated driver to make everyone happy.
6. PSYCHIC’s License: Because you’ll be expected to “inwardly” know, see and/or remember everything in the past… and everything that has not happened yet in the future.
7. SECRETARY’S Training: Because mistakes come back to haunt you, and you’ll be expected to “pull up” everything in perfect detail proving just what really happened.
8. MOTIVATIONAL Leader’s Training: Because one of you will surely be less motivated, and you’ll be expected to “take responsibility” and/or “take up the slack” for what needs to be done.
9. TELEPHONE Lineman’s Training: Because communication lines break down, and you’ll be expected to know just the right “line” to make it all work right.
10. NANNY’S License: Because even if there are no children, you’ll eventually be expected to clean, cook, sew, nurture and keep everyone “pacified.”
With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org, Gay Spirituality for the Next Generation! Learn more at telltrinity.com. Send emails to: firstname.lastname@example.org.