I’ve had the same best friend for eight years. We’ve been through everything together. Now he’s bothering me about how I treat my partner. He says, “I have to be more understanding and less quick tempered!” How do I get my friend to be less nosey and let me live my life?
Friendship Woes, Detroit, MI
How do you get your boss to stop giving you raises? How do you get the bank to stop making mistakes in your favor? How do you stop someone who loves you from making you take a look at yourself? Dah! Yes, the only people you do have to listen to are the IRS agent and your landlord. And why not your best friend as well? But then again, pumpkin, who needs friends when you can ruin all of your relationships by yourself!
Two years ago, I started focusing completely on my dreams of being an artist. But I work three times as hard as all of my friends and never have money to show for it! It seems like the bigger I dream the harder I fall!
Dreaming Hard, Reno, NV
Following your heart’s desire is awful, depressing and constant work. And, the bigger you get, yes, the harder you fall. So remember, sweetie, “Think big, dream bigger and expect to break some nails.” (My cartoon shows you how totally I am into this whole concept!)
I went on a first date with a guy who insisted on beeping his horn instead of coming to my door. I waited till he finally came and got me, which didn’t make him happy. Was I wrong for not wanting to act like a trained dog?
Yours, Hornless, Cambridge, MA
You did the right thing by teaching that dog a new trick, i.e., manners. If you can’t get him to greet you at your door the first time, then you’ll probably have to forgo a lot of other amenities later on! It’s rarely OK to beep and not get someone on any date, never mind the first one, unless your date is physically challenged or you make other arrangements. However, darling, once you’ve been dating a while the rules can change if you both agree on it. Otherwise you may have to bleach that date right out of your hair!
I’ve been reading about your “liberal” advice on extra marital affairs with men already in relationships! Don’t you think advocating extra marital affairs is despicable and mindless, especially for an internationally syndicated advice columnist?
Yours, Self-Respect, Raleigh, NC
You’re right! I’m evil and shameless. I deserve to be placed in the town square for public stoning. I will immediately stop writing about extra marital affairs. I have seen the light behind my demonic ways.
P. S. Shame and guilt went out with the New Age. Thanks, but no thanks, honey, I’ve changed my mind! Extra marital affairs are real, they exist and that’s why I write about them. So here are:
Trinity’s Powerful Ponders for Dating Someone Married
1. Keep asking your higher power, “How the hell did you get me into this mess?”
2. Don’t impregnate yourself physically or financially until you see the divorce papers.
3. If you must speak nasty about their spouse? Not in front of them, please!
4. Adults have secrets! Honor their privacy and your own.
5. Cologne or perfume is only worn when dating someone unmarried!
6. Guilt and shame are for religious fanatics. Forgiveness and self-respect are for enlightened realists.
7. Forget fantasizing about the future. There is none!
8. Two’s company, but three can only bring cheaper rent. Hey! I think we’ve got something!
9. Don’t give presents that leave clues. Especially undergarments. Accepting presents is fine.
10. Jewelry, art and leather give great return value, especially the day after they say, “Good-bye.”
With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org, Gay Spirituality for the Next Generation! Learn more at telltrinity.com. Send emails to: firstname.lastname@example.org.