When The Vampire Doesn’t Bite Hard Enough

Hey Trinity
My partner of four years who claimed to be gay left me a month ago to marry a woman. I kind of got over him, because he was such a user. But I miss him. Help!
Sincerely Perplexed, Albany, NY

Hey Perplexed,
Let me get this gay problem straight. Your gay-user-partner of four years left you, and now you’re perplexed because you’ve been released from a hex by your ex. Haven’t you read any vampire novels where the blood-sucking vampire surprisingly sees sunlight and releases his victim before killing her? She joyously escapes Transylvania never to see the vampire again. Darling, unless he took your common sense, I suggest you celebrate your freedom and catch the next boat out of Transylvania.
Congratulations, Trinity

Dearest Trinity,
I’ve just begun doing drag, and I love it. I have two problems? I don’t know how to drag well, and I haven’t told my mother. Any suggestions?
A Confused Queen, Kansas City, MO

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Dearest Confused Queen,
I have some tips in a cartoon style. Read it wisely. Did you also know, pumpkin, doing drag is so much work that many new drag queens eventually stop. So wait a while, about six months or on your 21st night of drag, let the MAC out of the bag.
Your drag sister, Trinity

To Trinity,
Once a month, my buddies get together and hit the bars to meet potential dates. Throughout the night, we hit a preppy, a mixed nightclub and a leather bar. Most of the guys I meet are one of these types. I’m always confused on how to dress?
Help, Joe the Chameleon, Seattle, WA

To Joe the Chameleon,
By the end of these nights, you must look like an abused collection of Ken and GI Joe dolls. Hey, that’s it! You need to look like a mix of Ken and GI Joe. So try a baseball hat or buzz cut, a neckless of some sort and a watch. Try a black T-shirt or a short sleeve tight button-down shirt (no plaid) and jeans with a pair of hiking or military boots. Remember, sweetie, no shiny club clothes, harnesses, oxford shirts or cigars.
Good Luck, Trinity

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Dearest Trinity,
For the first time in years, I went to a sex club. I was shocked to see so much unprotected activity going on. How does someone have sex-club-fun without worrying about receiving any unwanted gifts?
Signed, Sex Club Studies, Green Bay, WI

Dearest S. C. S.,
I hear ya’, honey! It does seem like everyone’s getting so tired of wearing latex that more and more are willing to go on PrEP or accept the effects of unwanted gifts. Unsafe sex is like candy — you know it can make you sick, but you can’t help packin’ in all that deliciousness. For those times when your blood sugar is out of control here are…

Trinity’s Healthy Tips For Attending A Sex Club
1. When you meet the “Sex Club Sex-Machine” — rinse him clean, if you know what I mean.
2. Before letting yourself slut around, have do’s and don’ts to keep you safe and sound.
3. Assume EVERYONE has something to give — that you may not want.
4. Always wash your hands after playing… with yourself and/or others.
5. You may not need a course in intercourse, but, of course, you need to understand everything about risk!
6. Sometimes, we have to be rude to a dude who’s forcing an uncomfortable interlude.
7. Always wash your private parts so you’re clean and tidy for your next performing arts.
8. Use instinct and intuition when on any adventurous mission.
9. Sex club is beautiful. Sex club is fun. Sex club is different for everyone.
10. Finally, relax or exercise, even take a steam or a nap, but even more importantly, don’t leave with the CLAP!

With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org, Gay Spirituality for the Next Generation! Learn more at telltrinity.com. Send emails to: trinity@telltrinity.com.

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