Put It Down, Get Out of the House and Start Meeting People

Tell Trinity

Hello Trinity,
Lately, since COVID-19, I’ve been experiencing an immense amount of self-sexual fulfillment, if you know what I mean. My neighbors are starting to complain about the noise and my friends are concerned. Is “it” dangerous to my health?
Yours, Self-fulfillment, Baltimore, MD

Hello Self-fulfillment,
When your therapist said, “Take some personal time for yourself,” she didn’t mean this. If masturbation is the word you’re beating around the bush about, then no, it’s not dangerous, but obsessive acts of any kind CAN lead you down a dangerous path. If you’re going totally insane, then put everything down, put on a mask and get out of your house. Exercising, dieting and social distancing with friends will absolutely make you less of a handful. And lastly, honey, if your neighbors keep complaining, then practice a little self-control while you’re self-fulfilling. Take a day off, unplug the Internet and try moaning into a pillow rather than down a hallway.
Love, Trinity

Dear Trinity,
I’m a regular looking guy. I don’t feel comfortable meeting other gay men. They’re all so built and beautiful. I just want to be OK with being regular. What’s someone regular like me to do?
Yours, Regular Joe, Topeka, KS

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Dear Regular Joe,
The gay male world can be as pretentious and frightening as the straight female world can be even more cruel and unforgiving. When I was in college, we went to a carnival and bought eight long-ribbed balloons. In our dorm room we blew them up really large to really small and accruing sizes in between and attached them to the ceiling. At the end of the semester the biggest and smallest or most alluring balloons aged terribly, but the most regular, middle balloon kept its perfection. It outshined them all over time. In other words, pumpkin, the world’s your carnival and the future is yours, more than you know. (Expectation and acceptance can co-exist together. See my cartoon for guidance.)
Trinity

Hey Trinity,
I met you at a party last month, and you snubbed me off. Are you getting so popular that you’ve acquired airs about yourself?
Yours, Dissatisfied, Denver, CO

Hey Dissatisfied,
If I offended you, I apologize. But just for the record, I am not the type to snub anyone. Some common mistakes of snobbery include: someone being shy, nearsighted or just simply not noticing someone. Also at parties, people get caught up in conversations, or are not able to speak with everyone. Yes, sweetie, being ignored is cruel, but being open-minded to someone not noticing you and giving them another chance is less cruel.
Let’s have coffee, Trinity

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Dearest Trinity,
I’m not the best with words, especially when I need to approach a stranger. It seems like every pick up line has been used. What do you say to meet someone new?
Thanks, Speechless, Venice Beach, CA

Dearest Speechless,
Usually, just throwing my head back with a smile gets me what I need…or lands me in jail. But once I’ve talked my way out of incarceration, these quick one-liners can make or break the whole night. So, darling, get wordy, witty and wild with:

Trinity’s Popular Pickup Lines After you’ve tried:
1. Hello, my name is… and I just wanted to say hello.
2. Are you from around here?
3. Is someone sitting here?
4. You look awfully familiar. I’m…
5. Didn’t we meet at a party not too long ago?
Then try these:
1. Pardon me, but don’t we share custody to a child in Pakistan?
2. Your eyes, they’re like deep magnets. Are they yours?
3. Excuse me, but didn’t we have a romantic evening in Rome just recently?
4. I may look like a tough girl, but I’m really just a nice guy.
5. Hey, didn’t you and I spend time in a prison cell together?
Lastly, this one never fails:
Hello, I was told by my psychic that we were supposed to meet tonight.
Go get ‘em, Trinity

With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org, Gay Spirituality for the Next Generation! Learn more at telltrinity.com. Send emails to: trinity@telltrinity.com.

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