Dear Trinity,
After seeing your wonderful performance in Wilton Manors, FL a few years back, I went backstage to see you. You greeted everyone, but me. Why didn’t you acknowledge me?
Ex-Fan, Saint Paul, MN

Dear Ex-Fan,
Why didn’t you just say, “I love you!” I might have married you on the spot! I always travel with a rabbi! Seriously, I’m truly sorry. It’s common to be overwhelmed by people vying for someone’s attention, and leaving can seem the best alternative. It happens to me every time I see Bill Goldberg, a former WCW champion. After I finally get near him, I get so tongue-tied that he thinks I’m some psycho-stalker and runs away grunting. But honey, with forgiveness and acknowledging the complications of each situation I pray you will release me and move on.
Hugs, Trinity

Dearest Trinity,
I rented a room from a close friend and promised to pay the rent by a certain time.  Recently, I had to ask him to let me slide for a while because I unexpectedly changed jobs and bought a new Jeep. He freaked out on me. How do I get him to let me slide?
Thanks, Renters Woes, Santa Fe, NM

Dearest Renters Woes,
Do you mean that he won’t let his close friend slither his way out of paying the rent on time? I have one word for you, INTEGRITY, which means “when your word is better than a binding contract, better than the word of God.” If I was you, I would, a) take a cash advance from my job or credit card, b) start sleeping in my new Jeep or c) find some other friends, cause sweetie, in my book, money and friendship requires one thing, INTEGRITY!
Kisses, Trinity

Hello Trinity,
Recently, my girlfriend of just over a year announced that she wants to “practice celibacy.” I’m now thinking of letting her move in, even if it means separate bedrooms. Do you think this could work?
Separate Bedroom Love, Madison, WI

Hello Separate Bedroom Love,
Celibacy, the life of monks, priests, eunuchs and some drag queens has been practiced for millenniums. But pumpkin, I smell trouble outside the church walls and you’re part of it! If you really want this to work, then send her off to a Celibacy Summer Camp and when she returns, if you’re still not living in a healthy, passionate, sexually fulfilling relationship then… send her back. You deserve more!
Love, Trinity

Hey Trinity,
I’ve been hanging out a lot with this guy who I can’t quite figure out if he’s gay or not. When I went to his house, I looked for clues, but I’m still clueless. Any thoughts?
Clueless, Baltimore, MD

Hey Clueless,
Sometimes it’s hard to tell who is and who isn’t. So I asked all of my sources and darling, here is:

Trinity’s Undercover Tips For Telling If Someone Is Not Gay By Searching For Clues In Their Home (special thanks to House And No Garden magazine.)

1. Living room: no throw rugs, throw pillows nor throw fabrics, not gay.
2. Kitchen: no pesto, gourmet crackers nor sun dried tomato jars, also not gay.
3. Bedroom: no matching lamps, bed skirts nor Warhol knockoff’s, not even close.
4. Bathroom: no hand towels, soap dispenser nor decorative sculptures, not gay.
5: Music playlist: no Bassey, Streisand, Gaga nor Broadway musicals, no way!
6. Wall decor: Street signs, beer signs, and signs of old wallpaper, not gay (thank Goddess).
7. The bar: does not have a Cabernet or martini glasses but does have really cheap vodka. NG!
8. Voice Message: uses words like, “Stoked,” Hell ya” or “Hey man,” not even close!
9. Cutlery drawer: only has plastic forks, cafeteria spoons and steak knives with Denny’s logo, not even human!
10. Lastly. no signs of anything Marilyn Monroe, retro, faux fur or sequins, NOT gay enough!

With a Masters of Divinity, Reverend Trinity hosted “Spiritually Speaking,” a weekly radio drama performed globally, and is now minister of sponsor, WIG: Wild Inspirational Gatherings, wigministries.org, Gay Spirituality for the Next Generation! Learn more at telltrinity.com. Send emails to: trinity@telltrinity.com.

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