Attention! Attention! We interrupt this regularly scheduled broadcast for a special message from Gaston County, N.C.
Republican state Sen. Jim Forrester and his wife Mary Frances Forrester announced today at a press conference they had lost their marbles. They’ve been missing for quite some time, they said, and they hope the public can help them.
Authorities are unsure how the marbles were initially lost and are curious as to why the anti-gay husband-wife hit team are just now coming forward for help. Investigators say the Forresters are light on details — all they’ve been able to get from the couple are a few seemingly contradictory statements.
First, Jim told The Gaston Gazette: “I certainly believe that they should have equal rights,” he said.
He quickly followed that up, saying, “I don’t think they ought to be marrying each other.”
Forrester realizes the two statements are obviously at odds with each other. If his marbles are found, he says, such Freudian slips wouldn’t occur again.
For Mary Frances’ part, she’s already gone on record claiming the average lifespan of gay men ranged from 39 to 42 years. Curiously, that number jumped to 55 when she spoke at a rally in Raleigh on Aug. 10.
She went on to speak of “Scandinavia” as if it were a nation, used 10 or more-year-old studies as “evidence” of supposedly current trends, bemoaned the right of parents to instill hatred in their children, said gays were a threat to Western Civilization and “our species” and proudly boasted of her imparting inaccurate information to young people.
Both Forresters say they try desperately not to sound so hateful, ignorant and un-Christian-like. Truly, they plead, they really do love “the ho-mo-sek-shuls.”
Wrapping up their press conference, Jim and Mary Frances said they’ll offer a reward if anyone can come forward with their marbles. For each marble found, the Forresters will give away a portion of their worldly possessions in anticipation of their eternal life in God’s heavenly kingdom, although they’re not looking forward to sharing it with all those Mormons and their many celestial wives.
Investigators aren’t so sure the reward will help, and say the marbles seem lost for good. “It’s looking like the Forresters will die very wealthy people,” an officer said on condition of anonymity. “I hope they have a good lawyer to take care of their estate planning.”
Netroots takes a stand
When the National Organization for Marriage announced plans to roll into Raleigh with their hate bus as part of a 23-city anti-LGBT marriage tour, community members across the state yearned for ways to speak out and organize. Just leave it to everyday Joes and Janes to take up the cause.
Over the course of a few weeks, community members, grassroots activists, bloggers and citizen journalists took to Facebook, Twitter, their blogs and other venues to organize a counter to NOM’s Aug. 10 stop at the North Carolina Capitol. Four Facebook groups later, the organizers eventually combined their efforts and managed to turn out an astounding group of LGBT and straight ally counter-protesters from across the state.
While estimates vary, a count from the Courage Campaign’s NOM Tour Trackers noted some 250 counter-protesters to NOM’s abysmally low turnout of about 60 people.
Congratulations to all the netroots organizers for a job well done. I think the message to NOM was abundantly clear: Keep your hate out of our state. : :