you’ve heard! A group called Christian Exodus is recruiting unhinged,
gun-totin’ fundamentalists to South Carolina (like we didn’t
have enough already?) with the goal of forming a sovereign state.
Yep. Secession! Yee-Haaaaw!
Their strategy is simple: redeem states one at a time.
Their objectives are clear: select 12 legislative districts based upon,
but not limited to, the following criteria:
1. Voter turnout in primary elections.
2. Moral nature of the electorate.
3. Cost of living/housing.
4. Economic opportunity.
5. Christian educational choices.
Practical little dominionists, aren’t they?
And when looking for the perfect state in which to give it a test-run,
they found a state with a burgeoning mass of secessionists-creationists-anti-abortionists-fundamentalists-homo-hatinists
ripe for the pickin’. Where’s that, you might ask. South Carolina!
Don’t feel left out, North Carolina, because they thought about you
too. But alas — and this is a direct quote from Christian Exodus
founder and President Cory Burnell — “unlike its neighbor North
Carolina, [South Carolina] is no hub of liberalism.” Who knew?
These mouth-breathing Americans seek protection from us sodomites, abortionists,
Darwinists and the constant infringement on their right to bear arms (not
that there’s anything wrong with religious fanatics with guns — right
Osama?). So far they have three families who have already unloaded their
pick-up trucks in the upstate; and, they’re looking for another 997
to spread out over 12 state House districts so that they can vote in Christian
sovereign-ists by 2008. Ditto the Yee-Haaaw!
The irony is that our homebred bible-thumpin’, queer-hatin’,
sons of the Confederacy are as stirred up about all of this as we are.
Radio talk show callers want to know “just who do these nouveaux
rednecks think they are?” A local blogger wrote, “As for Christian
Exodus, I can only say, don’t hope to move here and just start runnin’ things.
It don’t work that way.
I suggest these invading newcomers tread very lightly … don’t
come down here expecting to revolutionize the revolution.”
Damn right! We 18 liberals in the state don’t need any Johnny-come-lately
bigots messing up our homeboys’ gene pool and chain of command! Get
on back to wherever you came from cause they’ve got us handled!
So, North Carolina LGBT community, here is my plea:
HEELLP!!! I’m not kidding!
This is akin to the Alamo, the Bay of Pigs, and cousin to Weapons of Mass
Destruction! Do you really want this insurgency at your border?! Hell no!
Nip it! Nip it in the bud while you can on foreign soil! Send money to
the war zone, or whatever help you can provide, you little “hub of
liberalism” (and we all know liberals have money).
Need a more compelling reason? Here you go! Almost everyone in the blue
states cannot distinguish North Carolina from South Carolina.
It’s true! Here’s the proof from another blog:
Take your crappy states and moronic religious fundamentalism and self-flagellating “values” and
have at it. You get to keep all your tobaccer, trailer parks, Bob’s
Big Boys, Reverend. Healers, KKK meetings, and everything your drunk, toothless,
uneducated redneck little hearts desire. Christian Exodus — damn
you people are dumb. Don’t stop at North Carolina, keep going strait
into the Atlantic, morons.” To the outside world, you see, we all
look alike. Better help us now, or they’ll be in your gene pool before
the end of summer!
Linda Ketner is Chair of South Carolina Equality Coalition (scequality.org)
whose opinion she does not necessarily represent. Ketner was born and raised
in Salisbury, N.C., and has lived in Charleston for 23 years.